Your
past can indeed be compared to a silent, strong-willed and seductive woman,
who, by virtue of her own strong will, continues to be your constant companion
and silently seduces you to be enamoured and intoxicated by her most endearing
charm of constancy. In the realm of ever changing nature of every minute of your
life, your past tempts you to lay your scarred thoughts to rest on her calm
bosom of peace and tranquillity that only the unchanging nature of past has the
potency to offer. It induces you into believing that the only refuge, the only
messiah, the only deliverance can possibly be found within the labyrinth of
your past. The beauty of the past lies in its constancy, however dreadful it
may otherwise be.
I
was pulled out off of my reverie of the many musings of my past by the constant
honking which jerked me back to my immediate surrounding with a start. I was on
my way to participate in a state level inter-college debate competition. On
account of being the first year law student and having been given the
opportunity to represent my college at such nascent stage of my professional
course, I could have bartered my very life to do well in the competition. The
topic of the debate was “Euthanasia-Whether
it should be constitutionally recognised?” One month prior to the
competition, I researched and scanned voluminous journals and case studies to
prepare my notes. I meticulously jotted down all possible points that I would
possibly have to utilise to counter my opponents assertions. I read and re-read
my notes a million times to gain the requisite level of confidence to
effectively present my points and refute and debunk the opponent’s assertions. I
burnt the mid-night oil with the sole intention to cement and strengthen my
fragile sense of self and precarious self-confidence.
Finally
the D-day arrived. Even after having subjected myself to the rigours of the
numerous practice sessions, the power of my pugnacious past magnetically drew
me into the by lanes of my memories. The drive from my home to the auditorium
was well above one hour and I had promised myself that I would remain focused
on the competition and would avoid the constant pull of those fringes of
memories that could possibly have a crippling effect on my self-confidence.
With this thought in mind, I pulled out my notes while being stuck in traffic
and scanned through the key points once again. While repeating the points
silently, I absently saw myself in the side-view mirror and looked into my eye.
The reflection of my eye instantly pulled me into the by lanes of my memory.
The multiple images from the near and distant past started floating around me
and I suddenly saw myself standing in front of the whole class in a recitation
competition in class 4th. I then saw how a boy on the second bench
squinted his eye while imitating me. I recalled another student asking me
loudly in front of the whole class where was I looking? I recalled the many
tears and the suffocating pain that I felt on account of being cockeyed at that
moment. I recalled how I forgot my lines and ran away from the class bursting
into tears. I recalled the numerous muffled conversations during my pre-teen
years when I was written off thanks to my visual defect that formed the primary
filter for people to judge me in various aspects of my life. I recalled how one
of my father’s friend casually commented that even though I am a bright child,
I will always be a burden on account of my defect. I recalled his
well-intentioned advice to my father of keeping provisions for my dowry for the
simple reason that no boy would ever marry a cockeyed girl unless you really
sweeten the deal. I recalled how I immersed myself in my books and avoided
making friends with the sole intention of avoiding numerous uncomfortable
questions about where was I looking? I became an academically bright and reclusive
child. Whenever I topped the class, I
remembered the mixed look of pride and pity on my teacher’s face. During my
schooling years, I did not realise that I went an extra mile academically with
the sheer intention of mitigating the impact of my visual defect.
The
otherwise irritating honking was a blessing in disguise at this moment for the
simple reason that it pulled me out of all the paralysing thoughts of the past.
I mustered all the courage which I possibly could and pushed the demons of my
past from the door of my mind re-focused on the impending competition. This
competition was a test for me at many levels. The most important test for me
was to free myself off the clutches of my past which held me so tightly to the
point of suffocation and defeat. It was a test of my inner strength. It was a
test of my single minded focus. It was a test of my maturity and endurance. While
I was sitting on the chair awaiting my turn, and rehearsing my arguments,
suddenly a strange sense of calm overtook me. The calm and peace was the result
of my absolute focus on the many layers of the arguments concerning the topic
of debate. I could think of nothing else. I felt as if nothing else mattered. I
imagined the audience applauding and positively absorbing all my arguments and
assertions. I almost felt possessed with the power of my speech. I almost felt united at spiritual level with
my speech. The strength of my arguments and the eloquence of my language gave
me an insight into those aspects of my personality that I had failed to notice
until that very moment. I was intoxicated with a new kind of confidence.
Suddenly, I heard my college name being announced by the comparer and I went on
the stage in a state of exuberance. I saw the auditorium being packed to
capacity. I saw my college principal sitting in the front raw and smiling at
me. I looked at the panel of judges intently observing me. I walked up to the
podium and adjusted the mike.
I
felt as if some divine power was guiding me and holding my hand. To my
surprise, I found myself flawlessly making all my arguments as all that
mattered to me was the strength of my argument and the beauty of my
deliverance. The past did not matter and the visual defect did not matter. My
cockeyed did not matter and the judgements did not matter. The numerous snide
remarks about my appearance did not mattered. The only thing that counted was
how effectively I pressed my point, how relevant were my rebuttals, and how
forceful was my speech? During the question answer round, when a particular
judge from the panel asked me a question and threw a sideward glance on account
of being confused whether I was looking at him or someone else; I surprisingly
held my ground. Somehow his confusion did not affect me for I was confident
where I was looking. Too bad for him if he couldn’t figure out where was I
looking. This was the wow moment for me. This was nirvana. The freedom of
disregarding what the world thinks about you, the freedom emanating out of the
indifference of how the word looks at you. All that mattered in that moment was
how I looked at him and the point that I was trying to convey.
After
I answered the judge’s question, I was startled by the thunderous applause. After
class 4th, I was teary eyed once again. But this time, for an
altogether different reason indeed. Even though winning the competition had
become immaterial on that day, the fact that I not only won the debate but also
got awarded as a best speaker made me realize that all of us live with our
past. All of us allow it to shape our future. But some of us know how to shrug
the past. I think that is who I am as I have absolutely set myself free for the
shackles of past. The charming woman of my past no longer seduced me and
entrapped me into the downward spiral of the sense of self-defeat. From that
day onwards there was no looking back. The sweet and simple realization dawned
on me that you cannot drive ahead by only focusing on the rear view mirror. The
thunderous applause of the audience and the shining trophy that I was awarded
after the competition were the proof of the inherently good nature of this
world. When I freed myself of how this world looked at me;
I suddenly started
looking at the world differently. When I dismissed off the thoughts that the
world considered me ugly, I suddenly realized how beautiful the world is. When
I shrugged off the past and realized the depth of the blue colour of the
beautiful sapphire of my life; the realization dawned on me with full glory of
how deep and blue the sapphire of my life is. The sapphire of my life is as
blue as the communion of the blueness of the sky with that of the ocean. It is
deep, rich and exhilarating.
