After having witnessed the sufferings of those who have been wrongly
accused of the crime they never committed, and often finding myself helpless in
ameliorating their pain and suffering, I tried seeking refuge to the internet.
One piece of advice that is really worth reading is found on the following
website: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/217
I am reproducing Dr. Phil’s advice below for the benefit of those who
have been wrongly accused. I am minded
of the fact that this step is just a drop in the ocean of daunting task ahead. Nevertheless, spreading the
word of Dr. Phil makes me peaceful for the simple reason that there is always a
chance that some tortured soul out there who is trying to seek comfort may just
happen to read this meaningful piece of advice:
“False accusations and gossip can destroy lives, even if the accused is
innocent. If your reputation is under attack, Dr. Phil has advice on taking
your power back:
- Acceptance: Accept that there is no way you can erase what
has happened. Even though the accusations may be unfair and untrue, the
situation is real. You need to get out of denial about that in order to
deal with it in the here and now.
- Watch your language: Watch your catastrophic
language. If you keep saying this is "horrible" and your life is
"ruined," you add to the stress. Put things in perspective. An
innocent child in a burn unit of a hospital is horrible. Perhaps your
situation isn't as tragic. Perhaps your life isn't ruined, but just
damaged. Change your internal dialogue, and you will feel better.
- You Create Your Own
Experience: The first person you've got to repair
your reputation with is you. Are you a bad guy? Are you a bad citizen? Do
you hurt people? Do you commit crimes? The answer if probably no. Stop
feeling guilty and being angry with yourself. Own your mistakes, forgive
yourself for them but don't continue to beat yourself up. Life is not a
success-only journey. Learn from your bad decisions and move on.
- Steps to clean name: Ask yourself what you
would like to see happen in order to clear your name. Is there anything
that anyone — the authorities, your co-workers or someone in the community
— can do that could ever make the situation better.
- Inner Circle Support: Begin with your inner
circle. Start rebuilding your reputation with your family, close friends
and neighbors. You make sure they know the truth. When your inner circle
knows who you really are, they will go out into the world with the truth,
and it will create a ripple effect. And if you are confronted with these
false accusations again, you look the person in the eye, and you tell your
side of the story. You don't need to bring this up the rest of your life,
but in your immediate circle and in this immediate time, you want to step
up and tell them the truth.
- Faith in oneself: Understand that people
might come forward to admit they were wrong. And they might not. It is up
to you to put this behind you. Give yourself what you wish you could
receive from others. You need to say to yourself, "I know I didn't do
this. And I will give myself what I wish the community, the authorities,
etc., would give me."
- Teach People How to Treat
You. If
you walk into the world, and you're hanging your head, and you kind of
don't want to look anybody in the eye, and you're shameful, then people
will treat you that way. You have to be your own best friend, and you have
to decide who you are at the core. Begin the process of closure by not
reacting to what you think people are saying about you.
If you allow yourself to be intimidated, feel guilty or shrink away
because of what people think, you are putting yourself in a prison.
- Don't
try to address every accusation: If you decide to
start defending yourself, that will become your full-time job. If you
answer every story, every piece of gossip, every allegation in your life,
that's all you will ever do. You will be completely consumed by this, and
it will take over your life.
- Stop
reacting to the rumors: You give it legs
by reacting to it. Don't draw attention to yourself defending the rumor.
You need to give yourself permission to just live your life. If there are
people out there who think something about you that you don't like, then
those won't be your friends. There will be other people who will like and
respect you for who you are, and they will be your friends.
Stand up for yourself and say, "I'm taking my
power back. I'm not going to give them the power to pick my feelings. They're
wrong, and I can look myself in the mirror knowing the truth." You have to
decide that you believe in who you are, what you stand for, and what you do,
and you just need to go forth and do it. You need to walk forward from the
situation. Who you are and what you do, that will win out in time.
Know that it's normal to feel a twinge of guilt even
if you're completely innocent. We always hear about guilt by association. But
there is also guilt by accusation. People hear something negative and tend to
believe it. If you accuse a person unfairly, he/she still has that twinge —
just from having the finger pointed at him/her.
Don't fall into the trap of acting out with
non-directional frustration. The stress that comes with being wrongly accused
can lead a person to act out with those closest to them, like a spouse or
child. Remember that the enemy isn't your loved one; it's an outside force.”
Indeed a great piece of advice Dr. Phil!
