I
strongly believe the Parliament should enact a strict law banning geeky
bookworm Bongs in their
teenage or at any other age for that matter from
dishing out advices on the matter of heart!
I
firmly believe that there should be social awareness campaign enlightening
college kids from taking all due precautions against their scholarly Bengali
friends who roam around with fat books from interfering in their love life! You
might be wondering that being a Bengali myself, what makes me adopt this
extreme position (Mind you, we Bengali
always live in the extremes as a matter of thumb rule ;-)) Well, my
well intentioned advises during my college days led to a series of events that
created a huge upheaval in the otherwise perfect life of my Tamilian friend,
Rajesh Kandiyar(name changed for the
purpose of protecting my wellbeing ;-))
who made a life threatening mistake of soliciting advise from me over
the matters of heart. After over a
decade, my friend, out of humanitarian concern for me, says that he has
forgiven me, but I believe the truth is otherwise for he still casts accusing
looks at me whenever he is drunk for having lost the girl (A Gujju chick with
incessant love for using the word “like I said”).
Well,
to start with, something seemed fundamentally wrong! The whole episode was
nothing but a series of blunder at every level:
First Blunder:
Falling in love in REGAL COLLEGE!
I
am sure if Rabindranath Tagore would been alive today and whiled a short period
of time Regal College, he would have entirely lost his poetic mind in the
dreary atmosphere of Regal College! All that he would possibly write under the
suffocating atmosphere of the godforsaken college is Headstone Epitaphs that
would reek of nothing but sorrow for the passing away of loved one! At best, he
would be able to write a heart rending Eulogy! Mind you! I am not exaggerating!
The atmosphere of Regal College was like that of a concentration camp! Forget about
falling in love, a person might have easily lost faith in mankind per se within
the four walls of Regal college! It is like finding love in a graveyard! It is
like wanting to sing romantic Bollywood songs on a cremation ground! It was in
this dreadful atmosphere that my friend fell in love! You cannot blame me for
calling him weird! His love story was doomed right from the start!! L
Second Blunder:
Headstrong conservative Tamilian guy
falling for scattered brain fun loving Gujarati girl:
Can
you imagine what attracted my genius friend who excelled in mathematics to the
Gujju blonde?
He said he was enamoured the moment he saw her in the fateful navratri
festival in college during which he saw her repeatedly shaking her head
horizontally while simultaneously whirling round and round with her dandyas. To this love lost mind, there was a
mathematical beauty in going round in circles while shaking head vigorously
with the dandya. He thought that there was some secret Gujarati algebraic
formula at work. His love intensified
with degree of head shakes which Guajarati’s excel at generally and the
increasing tempo of the dandya beat. At
the end of the garba, there were tears in his eye and he fell down unconscious
on account of the cupid attack.
Third blunder-He sought my advice to win this girl over
Being
totally desperate to win this chick over, and having no intelligent friend
around, he sought my advice to work his way out! That was the final nail in the
coffin. I mean being academically
brilliant is one thing and having the common sense in the matters of heart is
another. But my geeky friend failed to understand the distinction between the
two and thought that I would be the best person who could resolve this. Even now I kind of get emotional when I think
about the extent of trust he reposed in me. Well, I am very generous. If
someone seeks advice from me I willingly render it. So what if it is not my
area of expertise? I should not be blamed!
Fourth Blunder:
He implemented the plan that I chalked
out for him verbatim, without even deviating from the plan of action one bit
Now
let me throw light on how it all started. I do not have the heart of describing
how it ended but I am gathering courage for the sake of completing this blog J
I
was sitting in the library and was completely engrossed in my some interesting
book of chemistry when Rajesh came and sat opposite me. He took the book away
from my hand and before I could react angrily, he immediately blurted out that
his soul was burning! Mind you, I do not appreciate such academic distractions!
But the look on his face made me realize that he was disturbed. I immediately asked him “What? Your soul is burning? Why? Did you fail in Mathematics? Or did
someone force you to love Hindi language? I couldn't fathom any other reason why a
Tamalian’s soul would burn! Either he has to screw academically or someone
would have offended his language sensibilities. Rajesh gave a look to me which was confusing.
I couldn't figure out whether he was irritated at me for failing to understand
his agony or depressed on account of his troubles. This is the way the conversation went.
Rajesh: No No Esha…the matter is grievous. I do not
know how Amma will accept her?
I
thought to myself. Why was Rajesh
referring to his Maths result as “her”. Agreed that he scored only 98 out of
100 in the previous semester but that would certainly not lead to his Amma
rejecting his results! With this thought process running in my mind, I
continued conversing.
Myself: Amma will accept her? What? Don’t worry!
Amma will accept your result. You just failed to score a complete 100 by 2
marks. Agreed that this would bring shame to your community but your Amma
certainly not alienate you out of your property rights.
Rajesh:
No..no..you
are not understanding. I am not referring to my maths result! I am talking
about Tanvi Bhatt. I…I..I mean..I will be marrying her and I do not know
whether Amma will agree or not. In any case, I know this is not a related
topic, but for the sake of accuracy of information, I scored a 100 on 100 in mathematics
and not 98 as you are so wrongfully insinuating!
The
revelation of the actual problem pulled the carpet off my feet! How could this
academically brilliant mind who was the torch-bearer of mathematics stoop to
such a low level of wanting to get married when he was under the moral
obligation to do nothing but study? This was against the strict Bong values
that I professed at that stage of life.
Love and marriage were scandalous words! It almost equalled blasphemy!
My Bong temper was boiling! Nevertheless, for the sake of friendship, I
retained my calm and did not hit Rajesh with the book in my hand! I felt
nothing but pity for him when the realization dawned on me that a bright soul
was lost to a meaningless cause of love! I regained my composure and continued
the conversation.
Myself: Are you
out of your mind? In any case, that is not even a valid question for the answer
is obvious. So from when did you
commence this relationship with Tanvi? If I am not mistaken, I believe she is
the same girl who says “Like..I said” a million times in every sentence and the
one who said that the use of liquid oxygen is used for breathing in the
chemistry viva?
I said this and rolled my eye in contempt.
Seeing me being contemptuous of his true love, Rajesh intervened and quickly
said:
Rajesh:
Oh come on esha…stop being your judgemental bong self! And I have a revelation
to make! Tanvi is a genius! She is a mathematical genius! Did you see her
playing the garba? The frequency of her head shake was directly proportional to
the number of whirling circles and the strike of her dandyas were inversely
proportional to the combined act of head shakes and circular motions! I kept a
count! There was some secret formula at work. Some complicated algebraic
formula of physics was at work! It was a sight of mathematical genius at dance
form! I was left spellbound! Trust me Esha..I got attracted to her hidden
intelligence and not to her sweet voice or cute face or near about perfect features! Trust me..I will not stoop to such a low level of making physical attraction as criteria for choosing my wife! The fact that she is beautiful is
completely irrelevant!
I
looked at him sympathetically! I was so wrong about dear Rajesh! Now that I am
married to a Gujarati, I am enlightened about the fact that there is no
algebraic formula at work in the motions of dandya, but back then, being a book
worm myself, I bought Rajesh’s theory of Tanvi’s mathematical genius and
instantly decided to help him win over Tanvi. This is the way the conversation
continued.
Myself: So since how long are you in a relationship
with her?
Rajesh:
Relationship? I am not in a formal relationship with her as of yet.
Myself: Oh…as you said that you were worried about
your Amma not consenting to your marriage, I presumed that you were already in
a relationship.
Rajesh:
Esha…you
know that I always think about all the probabilities before taking any
decision. Hence, before taking this forward, I wanted your advice on how to
handle the whole thing, right from proposing Tanvi to convincing my Amma.
I
must say that I felt honoured, deeply honoured on having being bestowed with
such an important task. Although I was completely clueless about the exact
nature of my advice, I felt that I could work this out for Rajesh! How naïve
was I at that stage! How wrong was I in presuming that there is a lot of
difference in working out the equation of chemistry and solving the chemistry
of life! This equation became all the more complicates when the variables were
Gujju, Tamilian and Bengali with different level of IQs and different thought
process all together!!!!
I
told Rajesh not to worry about Amma. This is because if Amma would come to know
about the mathematical genius of Tanvi, she would certainly relent! This is the plan I chalked out for Rajesh. As
the season of Navratri was going on, I chalked out a two staged strategy for
Rajesh. I asked him to take his Amma to the Navratri festival where Tanvi would
be playing dandya. When Amma would see the Mathematical Genius in full swing
with her own eye, she would have tears of joy in her eye! A lot of Bong
romances start in library! We bong always believe that nothing could be more
romantic than being asked out when one is surrounded by books! As soon as Amma
approves of her, Rajesh should propose Tanvi in the college library by gifting her
new edition of the book on “Life after
Death” written by Wilhem Deathly. Even though this book sounded morbid to
Rajesh as a proposal gift, I drew his attention to the metaphorical
significance of the book. It signified continuance of love after death! I
advised Rajesh against giving a ring as it was too lame and dim-witted! It
certainly did not suit my Bong sensibilities! In the process of chalking out
the plan, I completely over looked the fact that subject of love under
consideration was a Gujju Girl who attached a lot of importance to godforsaken
American diamond rings! Her father was, after all, an artificial diamond
merchant!
This
is how it all transpired! The beginning of the end of Rajesh’s short lived love
life:
In
accordance with my advice, Rajesh cajoled and coaxed her mother to accompany
him to the Navratri where Tanvi had gone out with all her friends post college.
Rajesh almost cried with joy when he saw Tanvi shaking her head with the dandya
in her hand and whirling in circles. Rajesh’s amma saw the look in Rajesh’s eye
and instantly figured out what he was upto! She shot an angry look at him first
and continued staring at him with indignation! Rajesh was completely oblivious
to his Amma’s reaction and continued staring at Tanvi. He wanted his mother to
have a better look at Tanvi and sub-consciously dragged his mother in the
centre of the dandya-raas action while he was in a state of hypnotism on
account of the head-shaking motions of Tanvi.
Amma was also in the state of hypnotism on account of her uncontrolled
rage towards Rajesh and continued staring at him while being dragged by Rajesh
towards the centre. Amma was bought out of the hypnotic state when all off a
sudden she was hit by Tanvi’s dandia!!! Amma
yelped out of anger towards Rajesh and pain out of the dandya short!
Rajesh yelled out of being distressed by the sudden turn of events! Tanvi
yelled as she lost track of her dandya steps! The first person to regain
composure was Tanvi as she immediately started off with her dandya again
without bothering to ask Rajesh’s mother whether she was hurt! Rajesh found her indifference towards her
Amma’s forehead boil very insensitive! At that stage, he was not aware of
devotional dedication of true Gujju’s towards Dandya! In order to avoid being
hit by Tanvi again, Amma pulled Rajesh out of the garba. The scene was comical! Rajesh was being
dragged while he continued staring at Tanvi. So deep was his love that he forgot
Amma’s swollen forehead and continued staring at Tanvi in reverence! Amma was
no fool and she noticed all this! She made up her mind at that very moment that
she would never have Tanvi for her daughter in law!
Rajesh
came down to college completely dejected! As a part of the plan, I had already
bought the book of “Life after Death” and was very keen that Rajesh should
continue with his plan. Rajesh had informed me about the failure of the first
part of the strategy over the phone but I was not taken aback! I was very much
sure that the second part of the plan would succeed and that once Tanvi was
convinced, we could take care of Amma.
I
personally went to Tanvi to ask her to meet Rajesh in the library post the
chemistry lectures! I presumed that Tanvi would be equally excited about
Chemistry as me and would certainly be in the most receptive state of mind! I
did not do my homework well for I later on realized that Tanvi hated chemistry
and it left her terribly depressed as she just couldn’t follow the need for
chemical equations! After the class, she gave me a severe look and headed
towards the library. She met Rajesh in
the library! After about 10 minutes, Rajesh came out of the library with a
swollen boil on his head! The boil was bigger than the one that Amma got after
being hit by the Dandya. I looked
expectedly at Rajesh! I almost clapped on his back as if we won the battle!
Rajesh cast a severe look at me and left college without talking to me! He
bunked the college for one whole week which was extremely unlike him! I called
him endlessly to ask him what went wrong! But he did not take my calls! Finally
I went up Tanvi to ask her what happened in the library. This is the way our
conversation went.
Myself: Hey Tanvi….I hope you do not mind me asking
you what happened in the library last week.
Tanvi: When? I am like…I do not recollect going to
the library.
Myself: Don’t you remember you went to the library
after the chemistry class to meet Rajesh as per my request?
Tanvi (suddenly
recalling): Oh yes…oh yes! I remember now! I hit that repulsive boy with the
fat book that he gave me over his head!
I
was shocked to hear this! Why on earth did she hit Rajesh with the book? I got
angry and asked her what was wrong? The conversation so continued.
Myself: Why did you hit him? He is such a mathematical
genius? You both are made for each other! He told me about your dandia prowess
and the hidden mathematical genius!
Tanvi rolled her eye and said: Are you
serious? Was he proposing to me? I thought that he was threatening me! He gave
me a book titled “Life After Death” I mistakenly hit his mother with a dandya
and I thought he was getting even with me by throwing a hint at me that my life
was soon going to end and that I should be prepared for life after death! I hit
him in self defence!
Myself: What? What are you saying? Didn’t he propose
to you while handing over the book? It was so romantic! This book! How could
you feel threatened? It was a metaphorical gift!
Tanvi: Metaphorical? I don’t understand the
meaning? Is it a brand? This book “metaphorical”? He told me that he intends to
take this equation to its logical end! Can you believe it! Logical end! He
wanted to end my life! And you talk about romance? Proposal? Where were the
roses? Where was the ring? Where was the wine? Where was the music? I could
have considered his proposal even if he would have proposed to me while I was
playing dandia! But proposing in the library is not happening!
She
said this and walked away with an air of arrogance! I was left stranded with my
blood boiling! How could she find the book “Life after Death” unromantic! A
Bengali girl would have instantly agreed! At the risk of being labelled as
judgemental, I immediately concluded that this girl was dim witted!
Nevertheless,
Rajesh’s first true love was lost for ever! It took Rajesh 3 whole months to
resume his conversation with me! After being married to a Gujju now, I can now
understand why she hit Rajesh with that book! However, for a decade, I could
not figure out where I went wrong in my advice!
J J
J
In
you want to save yourself from being assaulted by a Bong, please take my advice
about the fact that you should refrain from taking advice from your Bong friends
in the matters of heart! J
