History has been an awestruck witness to
the events and incidences that has affected her in ways she may have never contemplated
in her unusually long and dreary life. History has been a silent companion of
Hatshepsut, the charismatic queen of Egypt and Julius Caser, the mighty emperor
of Rome who did great service to future writers by their very existence! Alexander
walked down marauding from Europe in the west to India in the East and History
could do nothing except for witnessing it silently. History was delighted with the invention of
wheel in its distant past and invention of electricity in the not so very
distant past! History was aghast and battered with the invention of nuclear
weapon! History was shocked and awed with the development in quantum physics!
History, it seems, could never decode the reason why it was subjected to shock,
awe, torture, wonderment, delight, dejection, excitement and rejection at
regular intervals. It seems that God was preparing history to come to terms with
what it was going to witness in the 21st century! God was preparing History to
deal with the mightiest virtual platform of the 21st century, namely, the
FACEBOOK and its aftershocks! History saw Alexander, history befriended Akbar,
History cradled Einstein but History, it
seems was certainly not prepared to handle Ashwin Alameda and his family, the
self-appointed brand ambassador of FACEBOOK!
Little did poor History know that it was
easier to deal with Alexander’s ambition and Einstein’s eccentricity! But Ashwin Alameda was at another level
altogether! Nothing at all, no treacherous event, no unusual circumstances, and
no eccentric personality would prepare history for what it was about to
witness! Ashwin Alameda certainly opened one of the most entertaining and
amusing chapter in the life of history, thanks to the new chapter being opened
in the life of Ashwin Alameda by the heaven of virtual world, FACEBOOK! Ashwin
Alameda or “AA” as he was fondly referred to by friends and foes alike,
was in love with, besotted to, had a crush on, worshipped, was obsessed with,
was enamoured with FACEBOOK! He had a temple in his house in which he kept a
photo of Mark Zuccerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan! So enamoured was he with
the virtual platform that his soul existed in the virtual world! To add to AA’s
excitement, his wife, BA (Bina Alameda)
was another FACEBOOK enthusiast. His twin son’s CA (Chetan Alameda) and DA
(Darshan Alameda) joined the game right from the time when they were foetuses
on account of having a Facebook page dedicated to them right from the day when Bina
Alameda missed her periods when she was pregnant with CA and DA respectively. AA’s typical day contained at least 200
status updates! It seemed that Ashwin was under some strange illusion that is
particularly common among narcissists that their existence is the singularly
most important event that has occurred in the history of mankind! He suffered from a strange notion that the
world would be at a loss if he did not make public the tiniest details of his
life. His typical status updates on a regular day appeared like this:
“Feeling happy”….Just Woke up! Good
Morning Mumbai!” [7:00am]
“Feeling disgusted”…Bina just farted. L
L
L
[7:02am]
“Feeling loved”..CA and DA came running
into my room and jumped on my tummy…luckiest dad in the world [7:10am]
“Feeling angry”…Just turned on the
shower and the water supply was over for the day [7:30am]
“Feeling hungry”…[With a picture of the
breakfast]: Hot tea bread butter and
aloo paratha for breakfast, couldn’t have been better..love u Bini..[7:45am]
“Feeling emotional”…Saying good bye to
CA and DA…leaving for work!..Oh I will miss my kiddies L
“Feeling confused” Why did I receive the stinker e-mail from my
boss, I just poked the vendor on FB last night whom we have not paid since the
past 5 years [9:30am]
“Feeling upset” Got demoted from
Assistant Manager to Sales Executive. 5th demotion in 5
years..God..Why Me? [11:00am]
“Feeling bored” All that colleagues talk about is work, work
and work? Who talks about work in office? [12:00pm]
“Feeling pained” The client just said I am the biggest
ass**** he has ever come across [1:00pm]
“Feeling silly” Forgot the lunch box at home…wify will be
annoyed..:-( [1:30pm]
“Feeling sleepy” Ate a lot of fried
rice..was soooooooo yummy…Mainland China Rocks…Now feeling sleepy, so much work
to do…Gooooooodddddddd! [2:30pm]
“Feeling nostalgic” Ex colleague Rajesh just called….old memories
back! Was so pleased to know that they still call me tortoise J
J
J
J
[3:30pm]
“Feeling refreshed” Just had 3 cups of
masala tea…best masala tea ever! Ramu Kaka of my office rocks” [4:30pm]
“Feeling worried” Boss just called me
into his cabin…seems I have goofed up again…please pray for me…Thank you all
for all your support. [4:45pm]
“Feeling blessed” Boss just called me
“the laziest dog of the word”, did not throw me out of his cabin like last
time…lucky me! [5:00pm]
“Feeling positive” Got 3 FB likes on my previous status
updates. J
J
J
J
[5:05pm]
“Feeling awesome” Done for the day.. On
my way back Home…so excited to play hide and seek with CA and DA!!
“Feeling alone” In train..it is so lonely to stand on the
train door and getting pinched and poked for one good hour from Churchgate to
Borilvili. 6:00pm
“Feeling wonderful” Back home
finally…Binny smiled at me and handed me hot pakoras :-) 7:00pm
“Feeling fantastic” CA and DA back from classes. Will play hide
and seek..children time 8:00pm
“Feeling angry” No cable connection. Cannot see the 9:00pm
news. So Frustrating. So dejected [So dejected]
“Feeling thoughtful” Don’t know why 10 of my friends blocked me
from Facebook today. [10:00pm]
“Feeling hungry” Dinner time…wify cooked
dal..rice and sabzi….how unique…my wifey the best [10:30pm]
“Feeling tired” Ate a lot..dam
sleepy..dunno why [11:00pm]
“Feeling sleepy” Had a long day today….good night friends
[11:30pm]
Mind you, the above status updates did
not suffice. These kinds of updates typically constituted the most important
status updates. In between these status updates, there were at least 100 small
and big updates. As regards, check—ins and photo uploads, the less said the
better! AA’s mobile upload was a curse to his Facebook friends. This is for the
simple reason that he continuously clicked and uploaded pictures of anything
and everything under the sun. Right from the good morning look of his wife and
kids, to the photo of breakfast, lunch and dinner, good bye and welcome back
photo of himself with his kids to pictures of stray dog, crowded trains,
overflowing dustbins, vegetable vendors, liftman in the office building,
watchman of office, office colleagues, office chai, office snacks, angry boss,
happy boss, upset boss, angry client, happy client, upset client, zerox
machine, pen, paper, office laptop, picture of him being engrossed in work,
picture of him whiling time at work, picture of him sipping tea and picture of
him entering and exiting office loo! These were routine picture updates. Any
and every feature of face book, right from poking to playing candy crush, to
playing animal farm to likes were used, abused, overused and misused by him with unbridled devotion.
Little did Ashwin realize that the God
of his life would turn his life around in ways he might not have thought off!
Facebook, it seems, teaches you the art of indiscretion. You fail to realize
the importance of privacy. It only seems
natural for you to reveal things and feelings that you may have not thought of
making public under normal circumstances.
Even a normal, person, at times, fail to contemplate the consequences of
“bare it all” on the virtual platform. In case of grandiose narcissist like
Ashwin, Facebook succeed in completely undermining the importance of discretion
and confidentiality in his life, be it personal or professional! To Ashwin, posting his feeling on Facebook
was as good as an exercise in self-reflection in which he spoke with himself in
his head. Unbridled obsession with the virtual world had washed away the
dividing line, if any, between what was supposed to be personal and what could
be made public. History was about to witness one of the most wacky
incident in the life of Ashwin Almeda!
On 5th February, 2015, Ashwin
started off his day with his usual Facebook posts, photos and status
updates. He entered office in an
unusually bright and sunny mood! After all, he had received 6 likes to the
status of “Awesome makeout session with wife last night…Feeling tired.” He airily entered into his office and settled
himself in front of his laptop, flicked upon his cell phone, opened his Facebook
page, took the snap of his laptop and immediately uploaded it. Thereafter he
updated his status “About to read office e-mails” and clicked on the first
e-mail in the inbox. The e-mail was from
his boss, Vikas Mehra, the VP- Sales of the construction division. Mr. Mehra had sent Ashwin the price quotes
they were going to propose to win the bid of a very high value contract. It was
extremely important for Mr. Mehra to win this contract so as to ensure that he
remained ahead of his peers. He had marked the e-mail “High Importance” and had
written in the subject line “Highly
Confidential” For the first time in 5 years, Ashwin got such e-mail. Mr.
Mehra had ensured, over the course of Ashwin’s employment in “MOA Steels and
Construction” NOT to involve Ashwin in any of the high value projects! Ashwin
felt that he had finally won Mr. Mehra’s trust and confidence! No wonder Mr.
Mehra entrusted him with such an important task. Little did Ashwin know that
Mr. Mehra had no choice on account of his favourite employee, Rakesh, who was
Ashwin’s sworn enemy and whom Ashwin had BLOCKED on Facebook in order to settle
scores, was on leave! As a creature of
habit, and out of importance, Ashwin
immediately updated his status: “Feeling
Excited…Boss sent me an e-mail marked ‘High Importance and Highly
Confidential”…shows that the ice has finally been broken! I respect you boss!
Shall prove myself” Ashwin then commenced
reading his e-mail and his eyeball increased in diameter and appeared like
saucer in excitement after he realized that the e-mail set out the highly
confidential bid price proposed to be quoted in the tender documents that were
to go out today. He thought to himself,
“100 likes guaranteed by my ex-colleagues
who are also participating in the tender process” He immediately pulled out
his cell, opened his Facebook page and updated the status. “Feeling awesome! My company is quoting the
rate of INR 750 Million for the turnkey project in the tender floated by the
Govt. of Mauritius for the construction of high end bridge. Sure to win the
bid! J
J
J” As soon as Ashwin updated this status, he
got 10 likes in 5 seconds. On the top of
it, Ashwin got 15 comments of “Thank you yaar…you are really awesome” from his
ex-colleague who happened to be in similar line of business. Ashwin’s joy knew no bounds! He started
jumping with excitement! He immediately took a selfie posing a straight face
while staring at his laptop and uploaded it on FB. No sooner did he upload his FB page, his
landline and phone started ringing simultaneously. He took a snap of the
ringing phone, uploaded a new status of “Feeling irritated…ringing phone
disturbs my mood” and answered the phone. His boss barked at the other end of
the line and immediately summoned him in the conference cabin. Ashwin couldn’t figure out the reason for Mr.
Mehra’s irritated voice. Ashwin thought that probably Mr. Mehra was upset as he
did not “tag” Mr. Mehra in the price quote status that he updated a short while
ago. He immediately went to the price quote status and tagged Mr. Mehra on the
status. Ashwin was about to take a selfie standing outside Mr. Mehra’s cabin
when Mr. Mehra opened the door and held Ashwin by the collar. On account of
this the selfie captured Mr. Mehra’s growling face and Ashwin’s scared face! As
a matter of habit, before Mr. Mehra could snatch Ashwin’s phone, Ashwin
uploaded the snap on FB with the status “Feeling anxious…Boss Angry…God Save
Me.” Simultaneously Ashwin tagged Mr.
Mehra in his latest status. Mr. Mehra
saw the notification and read Ashwin’s status.
Mr. Mehra sunk into a state of despondency and started bawling like a
baby. Ashwin pulled out his cell phone and immediately clicked a couple of
snaps of Mr. Mehra crying loudly while regretting his decision to hire Ashwin
at the first place! Ashwin uploaded the pics of his crying boss and wrote the
status “Feeling Sad…Boss crying on
account of regretting that he held my collar and over reacted as I failed to
tag him in my price quote status” The whole office surrounded Ashwin and
his crying boss. Ashwin gave his phone to his colleague and asked him to take a
snap in which he should be seen consoling Mr. Mehra. Mr. Mehra just folded his
hand, caught Ashwin by his leg and begged him to leave. The colleague
immediately took this snap and uploaded it from Ashwin’s mobile on his FB
page.
On being asked by the
colleague what status should he write, Ashwin replied, “Write..”Feeling
confused…why is boss being so apologetic”
and please tag Mr. Mehra. On
hearing this Mr. Mehra fainted! Ashwin took 6 to 7 pics of Mr. Mehra in the
fainted pose and was about to upload it but couldn’t as he was in a state of
shock when he read his wife Bina’s status message that she had posted half an hour
ago “Feeling excited….Ashwin just left,
now my ex-boyfriend Pratik is on his way to my house…can’t just wait to see him
all over again..my first love” Ashwin lost it! He was furious! He was
seething. He updated his status message “Feeling
angry…it seems my wife is cheating on me” Ashwin was about to call his wife
when he saw the second status message from his wife and fainted. His colleague,
Prakash read Bina’s status message “Feeling loved….just had a make out session
with Pratik” and sent Ashwin in the same hospital where they sent Mr. Mehra a
short while ago. Mr. Mehra and
Ashwin were placed on adjacent beds. The
doctor, Mr. Chopra asked the nurse what was wrong. Upon being informed about
the whole incident, the doctor pulled out his cell, took a selfie with Mr.
Mehra and Ashwin and uploaded the selfie with the status message “100th
case of Facebookaria” History realized
that the most interesting chapter has just started in her life, thanks to the
epidemic of Facebookaria”
