ALIEN'S JOURNEY...FROM US TO INDIA ;-)

ALIEN SPACESHIP DESCENDS IN THE  UNITED STATES OF AMERICA; SEEMS THE WORLD IS IN DANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OVER CAUTIOUS AND EDGY AMERICANS ON HIGH ALERT AFTER WITNESSING THE SPACESHIP OF BLOOD THIRSTY ALIENS DESCENDING ON THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. AMERICA ON HIGH ALERT

ALIENS UNLEASH THE FIRST ROUND OF ATTACK ON THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

EMERGENCY MEETING OF US PRESIDENT AND US ARMY TO TACKLE THE ALIEN ATTACK!! AMERICAN ARMY SUGGESTS CONSULTATION WITH PAKISTAN

EMERGENCY MEETING BETWEEN OBAMA AND NAWAZ SHARIF TO DISCUSS THE ALIEN ATTACK. SHARIF SUGGESTS DIVERTING ALIENS TO INDIA!!!

US FBI AGENT MEETS THE ALIEN LEADER AND ALLURES HIM TO ATTACK INDIA

ALIENS DELIBERATE INTERNALLY AND DECIDE TO ATTACK INDIA!!

ALIENS START THEIR JOURNEY TOWARDS INDIA

AND THEN SOMETHING MAGICAL HAPPENS!!!

JADU FALLS FROM THE ALIEN SHIP AND MEETS ROHIT!! 

JADU FALLS IN LOVE WITH ROHIT :-)

INDIANS AND ALIENS LIVE HAPPILY EVERY AFTER :-) ;-)

OBAMA IN A STATE OF SHOCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Copying-the birth right of every Indian

“Please shift a little, I cannot see the answers” came the squeaky voice from behind which interrupted my train of thoughts. I turned back and gave an angry bird look to my friend who returned the angry bird look by venting his fury in hushed tone for me acting like a jerk and not showing the fill in the blank answers during our class 4 English exams! I am sure that he was cursing me under his breath! I am certain that he conferred the title of a back stabber in that very moment for me refusing to show the answers! I am certain that he would never forgive me for me having committed a mortal sin by violating his birth right of copying! After all it was just a couple of fill in the blanks! It would have fetched him 5 marks! 5 marks would push him successfully and help him cross the border of red line which segregated the fail and pass categories. 

After the exam, he met me and cast an accusing look at me. I returned the “accusing look” with the “what is my fault” look.  He soon beckoned all my other classmates who stood encircling me. I thanked my stars that we were in the classroom and not in the playground. Had that been the case, they surely would have pelted me! Before I could utter a word in my defence, one of my friends silenced me with stern look. The expression in his eye conveyed, “You have already committed blasphemy by refusing to show some stupid answers; now please do not commit yourself to hell forever by talking something stupid!”  Looking at this expression, I just shut my mouth and prepared myself to listen to an earful of reprimands! Little did I know that it would not be limited to earful of reprimand. On the contrary, I got a full-fledged sermon on my lack of virtue. This is the way it started,

Friend 1: Esha, you have let us down badly! What is the use of you being a bookworm if you cannot help us in the time of need!

Me: But why should i….

Friend 2: (Interrupting me halfway): How can we trust you? You are not there for us in time of need! You do not know what friendship is all about!

Me(Shocked): What? But…

Friend 3(Silencing me); Now do not pretend that you don’t know! You are very greedy! You want all marks by yourself and you do not want to share! You are violating all norms of decency! You are not helpful!

Me (Teary eyed):  Arre But…

Friend 4 (interrupting me again):  You think copying is a sin? Are you out of your mind? Who told you? Don’t know where you are learning this crap from!? Shameless creature!

Me; Speechless………………..

I was left confused and dazzled! The quest for scoring is genetically embedded in all of us! Whatever be the means! Whatever be the way!  It happens at every level of academic life. My husband, who did his masters from the US, says that the moment you are caught copying an assignment, you are debarred from the University and deported back to your country! Plagiarism is a taken very seriously and one has to pay a very big price for using unscrupulous means for fetching grades.  On the contrary, back home, it is very difficult for us to absorb why so much of fuss is made about plagiarism. There is a very famous term amongst engineering students “Chapna” which is translated as “printing” Engineering students’ chapofiy journals and assignments all the time! Now let us just not blame the poor engineering students. They go through enough tortures in the 4 years of their engineering school! We law students are no different! Or for that matter, the caste of students in general is no different! There isn’t an ounce of guilt in copying journals, assignments, answers or for that matter anything under the sun! No wonder, we love the feature of CUT/COPY AND PASTE the most!

Is Vyapam Scam, in which 36 people have lost their lives until date and thousands of people, including, doctors, judges, students, middleman, politician etc. are under scanner for having defrauded; a logical extension of the socially accepted norm of copying for the purpose of scoring? Think for yourself!

Facebookaria :-)

History has been an awestruck witness to the events and incidences that has affected her in ways she may have never contemplated in her unusually long and dreary life. History has been a silent companion of Hatshepsut, the charismatic queen of Egypt and Julius Caser, the mighty emperor of Rome who did great service to future writers by their very existence! Alexander walked down marauding from Europe in the west to India in the East and History could do nothing except for witnessing it silently.  History was delighted with the invention of wheel in its distant past and invention of electricity in the not so very distant past! History was aghast and battered with the invention of nuclear weapon! History was shocked and awed with the development in quantum physics! History, it seems, could never decode the reason why it was subjected to shock, awe, torture, wonderment, delight, dejection, excitement and rejection at regular intervals. It seems that God was preparing history to come to terms with

what it was going to witness in the 21st century! God was preparing History to deal with the mightiest virtual platform of the 21st century, namely, the FACEBOOK and its aftershocks! History saw Alexander, history befriended Akbar, History cradled Einstein but History,  it seems was certainly not prepared to handle Ashwin Alameda and his family, the self-appointed brand ambassador of FACEBOOK! 

Little did poor History know that it was easier to deal with Alexander’s ambition and Einstein’s eccentricity!  But Ashwin Alameda was at another level altogether! Nothing at all, no treacherous event, no unusual circumstances, and no eccentric personality would prepare history for what it was about to witness! Ashwin Alameda certainly opened one of the most entertaining and amusing chapter in the life of history, thanks to the new chapter being opened in the life of Ashwin Alameda by the heaven of virtual world, FACEBOOK!  Ashwin  Alameda or “AA” as he was fondly referred to by friends and foes alike, was in love with, besotted to, had a crush on, worshipped, was obsessed with, was enamoured with FACEBOOK! He had a temple in his house in which he kept a photo of Mark Zuccerberg and his wife Priscilla Chan! So enamoured was he with the virtual platform that his soul existed in the virtual world! To add to AA’s excitement, his wife, BA  (Bina Alameda) was another FACEBOOK enthusiast. His twin son’s CA (Chetan Alameda) and DA (Darshan Alameda) joined the game right from the time when they were foetuses on account of having a Facebook page dedicated to them right from the day when Bina Alameda missed her periods when she was  pregnant with CA and DA respectively.  AA’s typical day contained at least 200 status updates! It seemed that Ashwin was under some strange illusion that is particularly common among narcissists that their existence is the singularly most important event that has occurred in the history of mankind!  He suffered from a strange notion that the world would be at a loss if he did not make public the tiniest details of his life. His typical status updates on a regular day appeared like this:

“Feeling happy”….Just Woke up! Good Morning Mumbai!” [7:00am]

“Feeling disgusted”…Bina just farted. L L L [7:02am]

“Feeling loved”..CA and DA came running into my room and jumped on my tummy…luckiest dad in the world [7:10am]

“Feeling angry”…Just turned on the shower and the water supply was over for the day [7:30am]

“Feeling hungry”…[With a picture of the breakfast]:  Hot tea bread butter and aloo paratha for breakfast, couldn’t have been better..love u Bini..[7:45am]

“Feeling emotional”…Saying good bye to CA and DA…leaving for work!..Oh I will miss my kiddies L

“Feeling confused”   Why did I receive the stinker e-mail from my boss, I just poked the vendor on FB last night whom we have not paid since the past 5 years [9:30am]

“Feeling upset” Got demoted from Assistant Manager to Sales Executive. 5^th demotion in 5 years..God..Why Me? [11:00am]

“Feeling bored”  All that colleagues talk about is work, work and work? Who talks about work in office? [12:00pm]

“Feeling pained”   The client just said I am the biggest ass**** he has ever come across [1:00pm]

“Feeling silly”  Forgot the lunch box at home…wify will be annoyed..:-( [1:30pm]

“Feeling sleepy” Ate a lot of fried rice..was soooooooo yummy…Mainland China Rocks…Now feeling sleepy, so much work to do…Gooooooodddddddd! [2:30pm]

“Feeling nostalgic”  Ex colleague Rajesh just called….old memories back! Was so pleased to know that they still call me tortoise J J J J [3:30pm]

“Feeling refreshed” Just had 3 cups of masala tea…best masala tea ever! Ramu Kaka of my office rocks” [4:30pm]

“Feeling worried” Boss just called me into his cabin…seems I have goofed up again…please pray for me…Thank you all for all your support. [4:45pm]

“Feeling blessed” Boss just called me “the laziest dog of the word”, did not throw me out of his cabin like last time…lucky me! [5:00pm]

“Feeling positive”   Got 3 FB likes on my previous status updates. J J J J [5:05pm]

“Feeling awesome” Done for the day.. On my way back Home…so excited to play hide and seek with CA and DA!!

“Feeling alone”  In train..it is so lonely to stand on the train door and getting pinched and poked for one good hour from Churchgate to Borilvili. 6:00pm

“Feeling wonderful” Back home finally…Binny smiled at me and handed me hot pakoras :-) 7:00pm

“Feeling fantastic”  CA and DA back from classes. Will play hide and seek..children time 8:00pm

“Feeling angry”  No cable connection. Cannot see the 9:00pm news. So Frustrating. So dejected [So dejected]

“Feeling thoughtful”   Don’t know why 10 of my friends blocked me from Facebook today. [10:00pm]

“Feeling hungry” Dinner time…wify cooked dal..rice and sabzi….how unique…my wifey the best [10:30pm]

“Feeling tired” Ate a lot..dam sleepy..dunno why [11:00pm]

“Feeling sleepy”  Had a long day today….good night friends [11:30pm]

Mind you, the above status updates did not suffice. These kinds of updates typically constituted the most important status updates. In between these status updates, there were at least 100 small and big updates. As regards, check—ins and photo uploads, the less said the better! AA’s mobile upload was a curse to his Facebook friends. This is for the simple reason that he continuously clicked and uploaded pictures of anything and everything under the sun. Right from the good morning look of his wife and kids, to the photo of breakfast, lunch and dinner, good bye and welcome back photo of himself with his kids to pictures of stray dog, crowded trains, overflowing dustbins, vegetable vendors, liftman in the office building, watchman of office, office colleagues, office chai, office snacks, angry boss, happy boss, upset boss, angry client, happy client, upset client, zerox machine, pen, paper, office laptop, picture of him being engrossed in work, picture of him whiling time at work, picture of him sipping tea and picture of him entering and exiting office loo! These were routine picture updates. Any and every feature of face book, right from poking to playing candy crush, to playing animal farm to likes were used, abused, overused and  misused by him with unbridled devotion.

Little did Ashwin realize that the God of his life would turn his life around in ways he might not have thought off! Facebook, it seems, teaches you the art of indiscretion. You fail to realize the importance of privacy.  It only seems natural for you to reveal things and feelings that you may have not thought of making public under normal circumstances.  Even a normal, person, at times, fail to contemplate the consequences of “bare it all” on the virtual platform. In case of grandiose narcissist like Ashwin, Facebook succeed in completely undermining the importance of discretion and confidentiality in his life, be it personal or professional!  To Ashwin, posting his feeling on Facebook was as good as an exercise in self-reflection in which he spoke with himself in his head. Unbridled obsession with the virtual world had washed away the dividing line, if any, between what was supposed to be personal and what could be made public.   History was about to witness one of the most wacky incident in the life of Ashwin Almeda!

On 5^th February, 2015, Ashwin started off his day with his usual Facebook posts, photos and status updates.  He entered office in an unusually bright and sunny mood! After all, he had received 6 likes to the status of “Awesome makeout session with wife last night…Feeling tired.”  He airily entered into his office and settled himself in front of his laptop, flicked upon his cell phone, opened his Facebook page, took the snap of his laptop and immediately uploaded it. Thereafter he updated his status “About to read office e-mails” and clicked on the first e-mail in the inbox.  The e-mail was from his boss, Vikas Mehra, the VP- Sales of the construction division.  Mr. Mehra had sent Ashwin the price quotes they were going to propose to win the bid of a very high value contract. It was extremely important for Mr. Mehra to win this contract so as to ensure that he remained ahead of his peers. He had marked the e-mail “High Importance” and had written in the subject line “Highly Confidential” For the first time in 5 years, Ashwin got such e-mail. Mr. Mehra had ensured, over the course of Ashwin’s employment in “MOA Steels and Construction” NOT to involve Ashwin in any of the high value projects! Ashwin felt that he had finally won Mr. Mehra’s trust and confidence! No wonder Mr. Mehra entrusted him with such an important task. Little did Ashwin know that Mr. Mehra had no choice on account of his favourite employee, Rakesh, who was Ashwin’s sworn enemy and whom Ashwin had BLOCKED on Facebook in order to settle scores, was on leave!  As a creature of habit, and out of importance,  Ashwin immediately updated his status: “Feeling Excited…Boss sent me an e-mail marked ‘High Importance and Highly Confidential”…shows that the ice has finally been broken! I respect you boss! Shall prove myself”  Ashwin then commenced reading his e-mail and his eyeball increased in diameter and appeared like saucer in excitement after he realized that the e-mail set out the highly confidential bid price proposed to be quoted in the tender documents that were to go out today.  He thought to himself, “100 likes guaranteed by my ex-colleagues who are also participating in the tender process” He immediately pulled out his cell, opened his Facebook page and updated the status.  “Feeling awesome! My company is quoting the rate of INR 750 Million for the turnkey project in the tender floated by the Govt. of Mauritius for the construction of high end bridge. Sure to win the bid! J J J”   As soon as Ashwin updated this status, he got 10 likes in 5 seconds.  On the top of it, Ashwin got 15 comments of “Thank you yaar…you are really awesome” from his ex-colleague who happened to be in similar line of business.  Ashwin’s joy knew no bounds! He started jumping with excitement! He immediately took a selfie posing a straight face while staring at his laptop and uploaded it on FB.  No sooner did he upload his FB page, his landline and phone started ringing simultaneously. He took a snap of the ringing phone, uploaded a new status of “Feeling irritated…ringing phone disturbs my mood” and answered the phone. His boss barked at the other end of the line and immediately summoned him in the conference cabin.  Ashwin couldn’t figure out the reason for Mr. Mehra’s irritated voice. Ashwin thought that probably Mr. Mehra was upset as he did not “tag” Mr. Mehra in the price quote status that he updated a short while ago. He immediately went to the price quote status and tagged Mr. Mehra on the status. Ashwin was about to take a selfie standing outside Mr. Mehra’s cabin when Mr. Mehra opened the door and held Ashwin by the collar. On account of this the selfie captured Mr. Mehra’s growling face and Ashwin’s scared face! As a matter of habit, before Mr. Mehra could snatch Ashwin’s phone, Ashwin uploaded the snap on FB with the status “Feeling anxious…Boss Angry…God Save Me.”  Simultaneously Ashwin tagged Mr. Mehra in his latest status.  Mr. Mehra saw the notification and read Ashwin’s status.  Mr. Mehra sunk into a state of despondency and started bawling like a baby. Ashwin pulled out his cell phone and immediately clicked a couple of snaps of Mr. Mehra crying loudly while regretting his decision to hire Ashwin at the first place! Ashwin uploaded the pics of his crying boss and wrote the status “Feeling Sad…Boss crying on account of regretting that he held my collar and over reacted as I failed to tag him in my price quote status” The whole office surrounded Ashwin and his crying boss. Ashwin gave his phone to his colleague and asked him to take a snap in which he should be seen consoling Mr. Mehra. Mr. Mehra just folded his hand, caught Ashwin by his leg and begged him to leave. The colleague immediately took this snap and uploaded it from Ashwin’s mobile on his FB page. 

On being asked by the colleague what status should he write, Ashwin replied, “Write..”Feeling confused…why is boss being so apologetic”  and please tag Mr. Mehra.  On hearing this Mr. Mehra fainted! Ashwin took 6 to 7 pics of Mr. Mehra in the fainted pose and was about to upload it but couldn’t as he was in a state of shock when he read his wife Bina’s status message that she had posted half an hour ago “Feeling excited….Ashwin just left, now my ex-boyfriend Pratik is on his way to my house…can’t just wait to see him all over again..my first love” Ashwin lost it! He was furious! He was seething. He updated his status message “Feeling angry…it seems my wife is cheating on me” Ashwin was about to call his wife when he saw the second status message from his wife and fainted. His colleague, Prakash read Bina’s status message “Feeling loved….just had a make out session with Pratik” and sent Ashwin in the same hospital where they sent Mr. Mehra a short while ago.  Mr. Mehra and Ashwin were placed on adjacent beds.  The doctor, Mr. Chopra asked the nurse what was wrong. Upon being informed about the whole incident, the doctor pulled out his cell, took a selfie with Mr. Mehra and Ashwin and uploaded the selfie with the status message “100^th case of Facebookaria”  History realized that the most interesting chapter has just started in her life, thanks to the epidemic of Facebookaria”

                                                                                                                                    

Humbled :-)

God teaches you lessons in the art and science of humility in weirdest of ways! Just when you are under an ego-driven notion of being “self-sufficient” and “self-reliant”; the mischief maker in God, it seems, jumps out of nowhere and pulls the carpet of ego from under your feet to trip you off-balance! I am certain that the events that transpired this Monday were played out by destiny to hammer the message in my Bong brains that I could also be at the receiving end in the world of favours! Hold on! Please do not presume that I will narrate a series of heavy and gory incidences and events straight out of a tragic novel in which I am the egomaniacal villain Gabbar Singh who is humbled by the handicapped Thakur! Calm down! God is not so cruel to me after all!  God, it seems, uses the sword of humour to stab the Bong ego :-( 

Well, now let me tell you what really happened on this crazy Monday!

Not that I expected Monday morning to be particularly exciting; yet I did not anticipate Monday to be so maddening while going off to sleep on Sunday night!  When I woke up on Monday morning, I did not anticipate that I was about to take a roller coaster ride into the world of my little tragedies and consequent favours. This is how it all started! As usual, despite putting my best foot forward in waking up on time; despite  going off to sleep at 10:00pm on Sunday, despite  setting up an alarm of 5:30am that snoozed after every 10 minutes, I woke up at 8:30am consequently ensuring that I would be super late for work!  Being highly superstitious about starting my day on a positive note, I repeatedly indulged in the self-talk to calm my-self down, that I could still reach office on time, if only I manage to get ready and get going in 30 minutes! Hell no! That was not meant to be! I just grabbed my cell phone to check the FB/Twitter/Mail updates, (A morning activity which itself ensures that I while half an hour at least), I got a call from my maid that she would not come on account of heavy rains! I peered out of the window and told her in an accusing tone “But it isn’t raining here in Andheri West, please do not lie”, to which she immediately retorted, “But it is raining heavily in Andheri East, come and check…” and disconnected the call! I was flabbergasted! What the heck! How could she be so cruel! 

Ask any working women how she fees in case her maid does not turn up on a MONDAY morning! YES! MONDAY MORNING! It is the tragedy of the highest proportion for any woman in general and a working woman in particular! Any man who wants to settle scores with his wife should ask his housemaid to take a leave on Monday morning!  All that the aggrieved man needs to do is to look at his wife’s face when she figures out that the maid won’t turn up! The expression on his wife’s face would be God’s answer to all the tortures that he may have suffered at his wife’s behest! To my aggrieved mind, it appeared that my husband would have asked the maid not to come! But that poor creature was still sleeping and not staring at my aggrieved face! I knew that my imagination had got into the driver’s seat and was about to speed off in full glory!

Holding the reins of my imagination, I woke up my husband who was sleeping like a baby and asked him to help me with cleaning the house! My husband, having made a pact with mess, informed me in sleepy voice that the world would not come to an end in case we allow the house to remain messy on Monday! I was stricken when the realization dawned on me that my husband fully forgot my love for cleanness in semi-conscious state! In my esteemed opinion, this was adultery! Forgetting your wife’s likes and dislikes is far worse than cheating on her! I lost my temper and yelled at the poor creature who had no intention to get out of bed! He woke up with a start and started staring at me like a frightened puppy! Looking at his frightened face, I regained my composure and requested him to pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee help me with cleaning the house! I never imagined that I would be compelled to start my day by using the word “please” and end my day by thanking every one that I would come across in the course of the day! I supervised at regular intervals when my husband was mopping the floor while I was cleaning the utensils! He glared at me a couple of times while mopping the floor. I glared back and continued cleaning the utensils hastily. After I was done with, I inspected the rooms to ensure that my husband had cleaned the rooms to my satisfaction. After having grudgingly conceded to myself that he indeed was good at mopping,  I thanked him profusely to which he gruffly replied “Hmm” and went off to sleep again!   I thereafter got ready in a state of daze as I was already running late by 1.5 hours for my work. Not that it was something new, but on this particular day, I atleast had the chance to affix blame on circumstances and not on my habit of whiling time early in the morning by reading novels and self-help books :-)

I jumped into the first auto I saw on the road without bothering to check whether he was ready to ply me till my office! The Rickshwala gave me a stern look and asked me to get down. I returned the stern look and warned him that I had noted his number and that I woul lodge a complaint against him if he refusd to drive me to my office! Having left with no other option, he grudgingly turned on the ignition and started off! I thereafter started off my morning ritual of dialling my mother in order to have my early morning gossip session! So lost was I in my gossip session that the Rickshwala had to honk loudly when we neared our office. While gossiping with my mother at the time of getting off the rickshaw, I completely forgot that I was supposed to pay the fare! When I started walking towards my office while happily chatting with my mother, the Rickshwala jumped out of the Rickshaw and blocked my way and said, “At least have the decency to pay my fare. Look at women these days; they are out there to cheat us poor rickshwalas.”  While he was ranting out loudly, my colleague who was passing overheard the ravings and ranting of the Rickshwala and gave me a cynical look of “Look at this cheap woman!”  I went numb out of embarrassment and hastily started searching for my wallet! After having searched for my wallet, I realized that I forgot to keep my wallet in my handbag!  I looked at the Rickshwala and then in my handbag. I again looked at him and then the handbag and yelped out of panic! The Rickshwala had his moment of glory now! He figured out now was the time to settle score for having forced him to drive me to my office. He said, “I knew, you never wanted to pay. Don’t make excuses. I will lodge police complaint against you. You are a cheat and fraud. You want to rob me off my money” My head started spinning! Cheat and Fraud! I never anticipated that somebody would levy allegations against me for a paltry sum of 70 Rs! I told him, “Hold on hold on, and please calm down. I will pay you your money with interest! Don’t worry! I immediately called the same colleague who gave me the “Cheap Woman” look and asked him to lend me 70 Rupees! My colleague came down and walked towards me with a swollen chest as if he was a king walking in a village where people were throwing fresh flowers to welcome him! It was my colleague’s moment of glory now! He looked at me and then smugly gave a 100 Rupees note in my hand and left after saying, “Keep the Change”!  I felt like tearing off the 100 Rupees note but immediately realized that the Rickshwala would have lodged a complaint against me if I did not hand him the money! In the wretched and confused state, I immediately handed over the 100 rupees note to the Rickshwala and fled off after shouting at him, “Keep the change”

After entering office and after ignoring the teasing glances of all my colleagues who were by now aware of my spat with the Rickshwala thanks to the exaggerated narration, that, I must admit, was entirely true about the incident by my big mouthed colleague who loaned Rs. 100 to me; I walked upto my work station and settled myself.  After having settled myself, I switched on my laptop and noticed the red light low battery status! I immediately started searching for my battery and the realisation dawned on me that I forgot the charger at home! I thought I would break down! I 

Would the saga of seeking favours ever end today? It appeared highly unlikely! I feared what was in store for me today! I meekly asked my colleague to lend his charger to me for a while! He gave me an amused look and handed over the charger! I tried focusing on my work and just said a small prayer to ensure that the day would pass of smoothly! But God, having decided to inject small doses of humility in me, it seems, had other plan! I got a call from my cousin just when we were about to break for lunch. I went to the cafeteria while chatting with her and was simultaneously engrossed in the ritual of emptying my tiffin content in the microwave plate to warm my food and place it in the microwave. So lost was I in my conversation that I fully failed to notice the burning smell from the microwave. Suddenly, I notice 20 pair of eyes staring at me and then the microwave. I panicked as it stuck me that something was burning! I immediately opened the microwave and discovered that I had burnt the rotis! It turned black like charcoal and the smell of burnt ash wafted in the cafeteria! Some people started laughing under their breath. I felt like running away! What was happening! When I sat for lunch with the burnt rotis, all my colleagues took one roti each out of their tiffin and placed it in my plate. One more favour for the day!!! I hurriedly ate lunch and tried getting out of the cafeteria. In my haste, I twisted my toe and banged myself off the cafeteria door and fell down! This was freaky! I sprained my leg and was unable to get up! Two of my colleagues came running towards me and helped me get up and took me to my work station. Another favour in line! People were raining favours on me left, right and centre! Throughout the day, I sought my colleagues’ assistance in getting up and walking whenever I had the need to on account of sprained leg! Seeking favour while going up till the Xerox machine; seeking favour while walking up to the meeting room, seeking favour while coming back to the work station, and seeking favour while wanting to use the loo on account of needing someone’s support while walking!

While leaving for the day, like a fool, I failed to remember that I did not carry wallet and forgot to again ask my colleague to lend me money again! When I reached my house in the evening, it dawned on me that I had forgotten my wallet and even skipped taking money from my colleague. The watchman of my building saw my plight and came forward to pay the rickshwalas fare! So, I ensured that I took favour from the watchman of my building as well!

At the end of the day I realized that I needed favours from every single person I met on this particular day! Right from my husband, to the Rickshwala, to my colleagues, to my building watchman! The idea of being self-reliant and self-dependent fell off like a pack of cards L I was humbled! I realized that the God of humility was smiling at me.  I guess he succeeded in driving home the point! The palace of ego crumbled on the grounds of humility!  I permanently lay to rest, the fickle idea of being self-reliant and self-sufficient!

Expert Ill-Advise in the Matters of Heart

I strongly believe the Parliament should enact a strict law banning geeky bookworm Bongs in their

teenage or at any other age for that matter from dishing out advices on the matter of heart!

I firmly believe that there should be social awareness campaign enlightening college kids from taking all due precautions against their scholarly Bengali friends who roam around with fat books from interfering in their love life! You might be wondering that being a Bengali myself, what makes me adopt this extreme position (Mind you, we Bengali always live in the extremes as a matter of thumb rule ;-)) Well, my well intentioned advises during my college days led to a series of events that created a huge upheaval in the otherwise perfect life of my Tamilian friend, Rajesh Kandiyar(name changed for the purpose of protecting my wellbeing ;-))  who made a life threatening mistake of soliciting advise from me over the matters of heart.  After over a decade, my friend, out of humanitarian concern for me, says that he has forgiven me, but I believe the truth is otherwise for he still casts accusing looks at me whenever he is drunk for having lost the girl (A Gujju chick with incessant love for using the word “like I said”).

Well, to start with, something seemed fundamentally wrong! The whole episode was nothing but a series of blunder at every level:

First Blunder: Falling in love in REGAL COLLEGE!

I am sure if Rabindranath Tagore would been alive today and whiled a short period of time Regal College, he would have entirely lost his poetic mind in the dreary atmosphere of Regal College! All that he would possibly write under the suffocating atmosphere of the godforsaken college is Headstone Epitaphs that would reek of nothing but sorrow for the passing away of loved one! At best, he would be able to write a heart rending Eulogy! Mind you! I am not exaggerating! The atmosphere of Regal College was like that of a concentration camp! Forget about falling in love, a person might have easily lost faith in mankind per se within the four walls of Regal college! It is like finding love in a graveyard! It is like wanting to sing romantic Bollywood songs on a cremation ground! It was in this dreadful atmosphere that my friend fell in love! You cannot blame me for calling him weird! His love story was doomed right from the start!! L

Second Blunder: Headstrong conservative Tamilian guy falling for scattered brain fun loving Gujarati girl: 

Can you imagine what attracted my genius friend who excelled in mathematics to the Gujju blonde?

He said he was enamoured the moment he saw her in the fateful navratri festival in college during which he saw her repeatedly shaking her head horizontally while simultaneously whirling round and round with her dandyas.  To this love lost mind, there was a mathematical beauty in going round in circles while shaking head vigorously with the dandya. He thought that there was some secret Gujarati algebraic formula at work.  His love intensified with degree of head shakes which Guajarati’s excel at generally and the increasing tempo of the dandya beat.  At the end of the garba, there were tears in his eye and he fell down unconscious on account of the cupid attack.

Third blunder-He sought my advice to win this girl over

Being totally desperate to win this chick over, and having no intelligent friend around, he sought my advice to work his way out! That was the final nail in the coffin.  I mean being academically brilliant is one thing and having the common sense in the matters of heart is another. But my geeky friend failed to understand the distinction between the two and thought that I would be the best person who could resolve this.  Even now I kind of get emotional when I think about the extent of trust he reposed in me. Well, I am very generous. If someone seeks advice from me I willingly render it. So what if it is not my area of expertise? I should not be blamed!

Fourth Blunder: He implemented the plan that I chalked out for him verbatim, without even deviating from the plan of action one bit

Now let me throw light on how it all started. I do not have the heart of describing how it ended but I am gathering courage for the sake of completing this blog J

I was sitting in the library and was completely engrossed in my some interesting book of chemistry when Rajesh came and sat opposite me. He took the book away from my hand and before I could react angrily, he immediately blurted out that his soul was burning! Mind you, I do not appreciate such academic distractions! But the look on his face made me realize that he was disturbed.  I immediately asked him “What? Your soul is burning? Why? Did you fail in Mathematics? Or did someone force you to love Hindi language?  I couldn't fathom any other reason why a Tamalian’s soul would burn! Either he has to screw academically or someone would have offended his language sensibilities.  Rajesh gave a look to me which was confusing. I couldn't figure out whether he was irritated at me for failing to understand his agony or depressed on account of his troubles.   This is the way the conversation went.

Rajesh: No No Esha…the matter is grievous. I do not know how Amma will accept her?

I thought to myself.  Why was Rajesh referring to his Maths result as “her”. Agreed that he scored only 98 out of 100 in the previous semester but that would certainly not lead to his Amma rejecting his results! With this thought process running in my mind, I continued conversing.

Myself: Amma will accept her? What? Don’t worry! Amma will accept your result. You just failed to score a complete 100 by 2 marks. Agreed that this would bring shame to your community but your Amma certainly not alienate you out of your property rights.

Rajesh: No..no..you are not understanding. I am not referring to my maths result! I am talking about Tanvi Bhatt. I…I..I mean..I will be marrying her and I do not know whether Amma will agree or not. In any case, I know this is not a related topic, but for the sake of accuracy of information, I scored a 100 on 100 in mathematics and not 98 as you are so wrongfully insinuating!

The revelation of the actual problem pulled the carpet off my feet! How could this academically brilliant mind who was the torch-bearer of mathematics stoop to such a low level of wanting to get married when he was under the moral obligation to do nothing but study? This was against the strict Bong values that I professed at that stage of life.  Love and marriage were scandalous words! It almost equalled blasphemy! My Bong temper was boiling! Nevertheless, for the sake of friendship, I retained my calm and did not hit Rajesh with the book in my hand! I felt nothing but pity for him when the realization dawned on me that a bright soul was lost to a meaningless cause of love! I regained my composure and continued the conversation.

Myself:  Are you out of your mind? In any case, that is not even a valid question for the answer is obvious.  So from when did you commence this relationship with Tanvi? If I am not mistaken, I believe she is the same girl who says “Like..I said” a million times in every sentence and the one who said that the use of liquid oxygen is used for breathing in the chemistry viva?

 I said this and rolled my eye in contempt. Seeing me being contemptuous of his true love, Rajesh intervened and quickly said:

Rajesh: Oh come on esha…stop being your judgemental bong self! And I have a revelation to make! Tanvi is a genius! She is a mathematical genius! Did you see her playing the garba? The frequency of her head shake was directly proportional to the number of whirling circles and the strike of her dandyas were inversely proportional to the combined act of head shakes and circular motions! I kept a count! There was some secret formula at work. Some complicated algebraic formula of physics was at work! It was a sight of mathematical genius at dance form! I was left spellbound! Trust me Esha..I got attracted to her hidden intelligence and not to her sweet voice or cute face or near about perfect features! Trust me..I will not stoop to such a low level of making physical attraction as criteria for choosing my wife! The fact that she is beautiful is completely irrelevant!

I looked at him sympathetically! I was so wrong about dear Rajesh! Now that I am married to a Gujarati, I am enlightened about the fact that there is no algebraic formula at work in the motions of dandya, but back then, being a book worm myself, I bought Rajesh’s theory of Tanvi’s mathematical genius and instantly decided to help him win over Tanvi. This is the way the conversation continued.

Myself: So since how long are you in a relationship with her?

Rajesh: Relationship? I am not in a formal relationship with her as of yet. 

Myself: Oh…as you said that you were worried about your Amma not consenting to your marriage, I presumed that you were already in a relationship.

Rajesh: Esha…you know that I always think about all the probabilities before taking any decision. Hence, before taking this forward, I wanted your advice on how to handle the whole thing, right from proposing Tanvi to convincing my Amma.

I must say that I felt honoured, deeply honoured on having being bestowed with such an important task. Although I was completely clueless about the exact nature of my advice, I felt that I could work this out for Rajesh! How naïve was I at that stage! How wrong was I in presuming that there is a lot of difference in working out the equation of chemistry and solving the chemistry of life! This equation became all the more complicates when the variables were Gujju, Tamilian and Bengali with different level of IQs and different thought process all together!!!!

I told Rajesh not to worry about Amma. This is because if Amma would come to know about the mathematical genius of Tanvi, she would certainly relent!  This is the plan I chalked out for Rajesh. As the season of Navratri was going on, I chalked out a two staged strategy for Rajesh. I asked him to take his Amma to the Navratri festival where Tanvi would be playing dandya. When Amma would see the Mathematical Genius in full swing with her own eye, she would have tears of joy in her eye! A lot of Bong romances start in library! We bong always believe that nothing could be more romantic than being asked out when one is surrounded by books! As soon as Amma approves of her, Rajesh should propose Tanvi in the college library by gifting her new edition of the book on “Life after Death” written by Wilhem Deathly. Even though this book sounded morbid to Rajesh as a proposal gift, I drew his attention to the metaphorical significance of the book. It signified continuance of love after death! I advised Rajesh against giving a ring as it was too lame and dim-witted! It certainly did not suit my Bong sensibilities! In the process of chalking out the plan, I completely over looked the fact that subject of love under consideration was a Gujju Girl who attached a lot of importance to godforsaken American diamond rings! Her father was, after all, an artificial diamond merchant!

 

This is how it all transpired! The beginning of the end of Rajesh’s short lived love life:

In accordance with my advice, Rajesh cajoled and coaxed her mother to accompany him to the Navratri where Tanvi had gone out with all her friends post college. Rajesh almost cried with joy when he saw Tanvi shaking her head with the dandya in her hand and whirling in circles. Rajesh’s amma saw the look in Rajesh’s eye and instantly figured out what he was upto! She shot an angry look at him first and continued staring at him with indignation! Rajesh was completely oblivious to his Amma’s reaction and continued staring at Tanvi. He wanted his mother to have a better look at Tanvi and sub-consciously dragged his mother in the centre of the dandya-raas action while he was in a state of hypnotism on account of the head-shaking motions of Tanvi.  Amma was also in the state of hypnotism on account of her uncontrolled rage towards Rajesh and continued staring at him while being dragged by Rajesh towards the centre. Amma was bought out of the hypnotic state when all off a sudden she was hit by Tanvi’s dandia!!! Amma   yelped out of anger towards Rajesh and pain out of the dandya short! Rajesh yelled out of being distressed by the sudden turn of events! Tanvi yelled as she lost track of her dandya steps! The first person to regain composure was Tanvi as she immediately started off with her dandya again without bothering to ask Rajesh’s mother whether she was hurt!  Rajesh found her indifference towards her Amma’s forehead boil very insensitive! At that stage, he was not aware of devotional dedication of true Gujju’s towards Dandya! In order to avoid being hit by Tanvi again, Amma pulled Rajesh out of the garba.  The scene was comical! Rajesh was being dragged while he continued staring at Tanvi. So deep was his love that he forgot Amma’s swollen forehead and continued staring at Tanvi in reverence! Amma was no fool and she noticed all this! She made up her mind at that very moment that she would never have Tanvi for her daughter in law!

Rajesh came down to college completely dejected! As a part of the plan, I had already bought the book of “Life after Death” and was very keen that Rajesh should continue with his plan. Rajesh had informed me about the failure of the first part of the strategy over the phone but I was not taken aback! I was very much sure that the second part of the plan would succeed and that once Tanvi was convinced, we could take care of Amma.

I personally went to Tanvi to ask her to meet Rajesh in the library post the chemistry lectures! I presumed that Tanvi would be equally excited about Chemistry as me and would certainly be in the most receptive state of mind! I did not do my homework well for I later on realized that Tanvi hated chemistry and it left her terribly depressed as she just couldn’t follow the need for chemical equations! After the class, she gave me a severe look and headed towards the library.  She met Rajesh in the library! After about 10 minutes, Rajesh came out of the library with a swollen boil on his head! The boil was bigger than the one that Amma got after being hit by the Dandya.  I looked expectedly at Rajesh! I almost clapped on his back as if we won the battle! Rajesh cast a severe look at me and left college without talking to me! He bunked the college for one whole week which was extremely unlike him! I called him endlessly to ask him what went wrong! But he did not take my calls! Finally I went up Tanvi to ask her what happened in the library. This is the way our conversation went.

Myself: Hey Tanvi….I hope you do not mind me asking you what happened in the library last week.

Tanvi: When? I am like…I do not recollect going to the library.

Myself: Don’t you remember you went to the library after the chemistry class to meet Rajesh as per my request?

Tanvi (suddenly recalling): Oh yes…oh yes! I remember now! I hit that repulsive boy with the fat book that he gave me over his head!

I was shocked to hear this! Why on earth did she hit Rajesh with the book? I got angry and asked her what was wrong? The conversation so continued.

Myself: Why did you hit him? He is such a mathematical genius? You both are made for each other! He told me about your dandia prowess and the hidden mathematical genius!

Tanvi rolled her eye and said:  Are you serious? Was he proposing to me? I thought that he was threatening me! He gave me a book titled “Life After Death” I mistakenly hit his mother with a dandya and I thought he was getting even with me by throwing a hint at me that my life was soon going to end and that I should be prepared for life after death! I hit him in self defence!

Myself: What? What are you saying? Didn’t he propose to you while handing over the book? It was so romantic! This book! How could you feel threatened? It was a metaphorical gift!

Tanvi: Metaphorical? I don’t understand the meaning? Is it a brand? This book “metaphorical”? He told me that he intends to take this equation to its logical end! Can you believe it! Logical end! He wanted to end my life! And you talk about romance? Proposal? Where were the roses? Where was the ring? Where was the wine? Where was the music? I could have considered his proposal even if he would have proposed to me while I was playing dandia! But proposing in the library is not happening!

She said this and walked away with an air of arrogance! I was left stranded with my blood boiling! How could she find the book “Life after Death” unromantic! A Bengali girl would have instantly agreed! At the risk of being labelled as judgemental, I immediately concluded that this girl was dim witted!

Nevertheless, Rajesh’s first true love was lost for ever! It took Rajesh 3 whole months to resume his conversation with me! After being married to a Gujju now, I can now understand why she hit Rajesh with that book! However, for a decade, I could not figure out where I went wrong in my advice!  J J J

In you want to save yourself from being assaulted by a Bong, please take my advice about the fact that you should refrain from taking advice from your Bong friends in the matters of heart! J