Expert Ill-Advise in the Matters of Heart

I strongly believe the Parliament should enact a strict law banning geeky bookworm Bongs in their

teenage or at any other age for that matter from dishing out advices on the matter of heart!

I firmly believe that there should be social awareness campaign enlightening college kids from taking all due precautions against their scholarly Bengali friends who roam around with fat books from interfering in their love life! You might be wondering that being a Bengali myself, what makes me adopt this extreme position (Mind you, we Bengali always live in the extremes as a matter of thumb rule ;-)) Well, my well intentioned advises during my college days led to a series of events that created a huge upheaval in the otherwise perfect life of my Tamilian friend, Rajesh Kandiyar(name changed for the purpose of protecting my wellbeing ;-))  who made a life threatening mistake of soliciting advise from me over the matters of heart.  After over a decade, my friend, out of humanitarian concern for me, says that he has forgiven me, but I believe the truth is otherwise for he still casts accusing looks at me whenever he is drunk for having lost the girl (A Gujju chick with incessant love for using the word “like I said”).

Well, to start with, something seemed fundamentally wrong! The whole episode was nothing but a series of blunder at every level:

First Blunder: Falling in love in REGAL COLLEGE!

I am sure if Rabindranath Tagore would been alive today and whiled a short period of time Regal College, he would have entirely lost his poetic mind in the dreary atmosphere of Regal College! All that he would possibly write under the suffocating atmosphere of the godforsaken college is Headstone Epitaphs that would reek of nothing but sorrow for the passing away of loved one! At best, he would be able to write a heart rending Eulogy! Mind you! I am not exaggerating! The atmosphere of Regal College was like that of a concentration camp! Forget about falling in love, a person might have easily lost faith in mankind per se within the four walls of Regal college! It is like finding love in a graveyard! It is like wanting to sing romantic Bollywood songs on a cremation ground! It was in this dreadful atmosphere that my friend fell in love! You cannot blame me for calling him weird! His love story was doomed right from the start!! L

Second Blunder: Headstrong conservative Tamilian guy falling for scattered brain fun loving Gujarati girl: 

Can you imagine what attracted my genius friend who excelled in mathematics to the Gujju blonde?

He said he was enamoured the moment he saw her in the fateful navratri festival in college during which he saw her repeatedly shaking her head horizontally while simultaneously whirling round and round with her dandyas.  To this love lost mind, there was a mathematical beauty in going round in circles while shaking head vigorously with the dandya. He thought that there was some secret Gujarati algebraic formula at work.  His love intensified with degree of head shakes which Guajarati’s excel at generally and the increasing tempo of the dandya beat.  At the end of the garba, there were tears in his eye and he fell down unconscious on account of the cupid attack.

Third blunder-He sought my advice to win this girl over

Being totally desperate to win this chick over, and having no intelligent friend around, he sought my advice to work his way out! That was the final nail in the coffin.  I mean being academically brilliant is one thing and having the common sense in the matters of heart is another. But my geeky friend failed to understand the distinction between the two and thought that I would be the best person who could resolve this.  Even now I kind of get emotional when I think about the extent of trust he reposed in me. Well, I am very generous. If someone seeks advice from me I willingly render it. So what if it is not my area of expertise? I should not be blamed!

Fourth Blunder: He implemented the plan that I chalked out for him verbatim, without even deviating from the plan of action one bit

Now let me throw light on how it all started. I do not have the heart of describing how it ended but I am gathering courage for the sake of completing this blog J

I was sitting in the library and was completely engrossed in my some interesting book of chemistry when Rajesh came and sat opposite me. He took the book away from my hand and before I could react angrily, he immediately blurted out that his soul was burning! Mind you, I do not appreciate such academic distractions! But the look on his face made me realize that he was disturbed.  I immediately asked him “What? Your soul is burning? Why? Did you fail in Mathematics? Or did someone force you to love Hindi language?  I couldn't fathom any other reason why a Tamalian’s soul would burn! Either he has to screw academically or someone would have offended his language sensibilities.  Rajesh gave a look to me which was confusing. I couldn't figure out whether he was irritated at me for failing to understand his agony or depressed on account of his troubles.   This is the way the conversation went.

Rajesh: No No Esha…the matter is grievous. I do not know how Amma will accept her?

I thought to myself.  Why was Rajesh referring to his Maths result as “her”. Agreed that he scored only 98 out of 100 in the previous semester but that would certainly not lead to his Amma rejecting his results! With this thought process running in my mind, I continued conversing.

Myself: Amma will accept her? What? Don’t worry! Amma will accept your result. You just failed to score a complete 100 by 2 marks. Agreed that this would bring shame to your community but your Amma certainly not alienate you out of your property rights.

Rajesh: No..no..you are not understanding. I am not referring to my maths result! I am talking about Tanvi Bhatt. I…I..I mean..I will be marrying her and I do not know whether Amma will agree or not. In any case, I know this is not a related topic, but for the sake of accuracy of information, I scored a 100 on 100 in mathematics and not 98 as you are so wrongfully insinuating!

The revelation of the actual problem pulled the carpet off my feet! How could this academically brilliant mind who was the torch-bearer of mathematics stoop to such a low level of wanting to get married when he was under the moral obligation to do nothing but study? This was against the strict Bong values that I professed at that stage of life.  Love and marriage were scandalous words! It almost equalled blasphemy! My Bong temper was boiling! Nevertheless, for the sake of friendship, I retained my calm and did not hit Rajesh with the book in my hand! I felt nothing but pity for him when the realization dawned on me that a bright soul was lost to a meaningless cause of love! I regained my composure and continued the conversation.

Myself:  Are you out of your mind? In any case, that is not even a valid question for the answer is obvious.  So from when did you commence this relationship with Tanvi? If I am not mistaken, I believe she is the same girl who says “Like..I said” a million times in every sentence and the one who said that the use of liquid oxygen is used for breathing in the chemistry viva?

 I said this and rolled my eye in contempt. Seeing me being contemptuous of his true love, Rajesh intervened and quickly said:

Rajesh: Oh come on esha…stop being your judgemental bong self! And I have a revelation to make! Tanvi is a genius! She is a mathematical genius! Did you see her playing the garba? The frequency of her head shake was directly proportional to the number of whirling circles and the strike of her dandyas were inversely proportional to the combined act of head shakes and circular motions! I kept a count! There was some secret formula at work. Some complicated algebraic formula of physics was at work! It was a sight of mathematical genius at dance form! I was left spellbound! Trust me Esha..I got attracted to her hidden intelligence and not to her sweet voice or cute face or near about perfect features! Trust me..I will not stoop to such a low level of making physical attraction as criteria for choosing my wife! The fact that she is beautiful is completely irrelevant!

I looked at him sympathetically! I was so wrong about dear Rajesh! Now that I am married to a Gujarati, I am enlightened about the fact that there is no algebraic formula at work in the motions of dandya, but back then, being a book worm myself, I bought Rajesh’s theory of Tanvi’s mathematical genius and instantly decided to help him win over Tanvi. This is the way the conversation continued.

Myself: So since how long are you in a relationship with her?

Rajesh: Relationship? I am not in a formal relationship with her as of yet. 

Myself: Oh…as you said that you were worried about your Amma not consenting to your marriage, I presumed that you were already in a relationship.

Rajesh: Esha…you know that I always think about all the probabilities before taking any decision. Hence, before taking this forward, I wanted your advice on how to handle the whole thing, right from proposing Tanvi to convincing my Amma.

I must say that I felt honoured, deeply honoured on having being bestowed with such an important task. Although I was completely clueless about the exact nature of my advice, I felt that I could work this out for Rajesh! How naïve was I at that stage! How wrong was I in presuming that there is a lot of difference in working out the equation of chemistry and solving the chemistry of life! This equation became all the more complicates when the variables were Gujju, Tamilian and Bengali with different level of IQs and different thought process all together!!!!

I told Rajesh not to worry about Amma. This is because if Amma would come to know about the mathematical genius of Tanvi, she would certainly relent!  This is the plan I chalked out for Rajesh. As the season of Navratri was going on, I chalked out a two staged strategy for Rajesh. I asked him to take his Amma to the Navratri festival where Tanvi would be playing dandya. When Amma would see the Mathematical Genius in full swing with her own eye, she would have tears of joy in her eye! A lot of Bong romances start in library! We bong always believe that nothing could be more romantic than being asked out when one is surrounded by books! As soon as Amma approves of her, Rajesh should propose Tanvi in the college library by gifting her new edition of the book on “Life after Death” written by Wilhem Deathly. Even though this book sounded morbid to Rajesh as a proposal gift, I drew his attention to the metaphorical significance of the book. It signified continuance of love after death! I advised Rajesh against giving a ring as it was too lame and dim-witted! It certainly did not suit my Bong sensibilities! In the process of chalking out the plan, I completely over looked the fact that subject of love under consideration was a Gujju Girl who attached a lot of importance to godforsaken American diamond rings! Her father was, after all, an artificial diamond merchant!

 

This is how it all transpired! The beginning of the end of Rajesh’s short lived love life:

In accordance with my advice, Rajesh cajoled and coaxed her mother to accompany him to the Navratri where Tanvi had gone out with all her friends post college. Rajesh almost cried with joy when he saw Tanvi shaking her head with the dandya in her hand and whirling in circles. Rajesh’s amma saw the look in Rajesh’s eye and instantly figured out what he was upto! She shot an angry look at him first and continued staring at him with indignation! Rajesh was completely oblivious to his Amma’s reaction and continued staring at Tanvi. He wanted his mother to have a better look at Tanvi and sub-consciously dragged his mother in the centre of the dandya-raas action while he was in a state of hypnotism on account of the head-shaking motions of Tanvi.  Amma was also in the state of hypnotism on account of her uncontrolled rage towards Rajesh and continued staring at him while being dragged by Rajesh towards the centre. Amma was bought out of the hypnotic state when all off a sudden she was hit by Tanvi’s dandia!!! Amma   yelped out of anger towards Rajesh and pain out of the dandya short! Rajesh yelled out of being distressed by the sudden turn of events! Tanvi yelled as she lost track of her dandya steps! The first person to regain composure was Tanvi as she immediately started off with her dandya again without bothering to ask Rajesh’s mother whether she was hurt!  Rajesh found her indifference towards her Amma’s forehead boil very insensitive! At that stage, he was not aware of devotional dedication of true Gujju’s towards Dandya! In order to avoid being hit by Tanvi again, Amma pulled Rajesh out of the garba.  The scene was comical! Rajesh was being dragged while he continued staring at Tanvi. So deep was his love that he forgot Amma’s swollen forehead and continued staring at Tanvi in reverence! Amma was no fool and she noticed all this! She made up her mind at that very moment that she would never have Tanvi for her daughter in law!

Rajesh came down to college completely dejected! As a part of the plan, I had already bought the book of “Life after Death” and was very keen that Rajesh should continue with his plan. Rajesh had informed me about the failure of the first part of the strategy over the phone but I was not taken aback! I was very much sure that the second part of the plan would succeed and that once Tanvi was convinced, we could take care of Amma.

I personally went to Tanvi to ask her to meet Rajesh in the library post the chemistry lectures! I presumed that Tanvi would be equally excited about Chemistry as me and would certainly be in the most receptive state of mind! I did not do my homework well for I later on realized that Tanvi hated chemistry and it left her terribly depressed as she just couldn’t follow the need for chemical equations! After the class, she gave me a severe look and headed towards the library.  She met Rajesh in the library! After about 10 minutes, Rajesh came out of the library with a swollen boil on his head! The boil was bigger than the one that Amma got after being hit by the Dandya.  I looked expectedly at Rajesh! I almost clapped on his back as if we won the battle! Rajesh cast a severe look at me and left college without talking to me! He bunked the college for one whole week which was extremely unlike him! I called him endlessly to ask him what went wrong! But he did not take my calls! Finally I went up Tanvi to ask her what happened in the library. This is the way our conversation went.

Myself: Hey Tanvi….I hope you do not mind me asking you what happened in the library last week.

Tanvi: When? I am like…I do not recollect going to the library.

Myself: Don’t you remember you went to the library after the chemistry class to meet Rajesh as per my request?

Tanvi (suddenly recalling): Oh yes…oh yes! I remember now! I hit that repulsive boy with the fat book that he gave me over his head!

I was shocked to hear this! Why on earth did she hit Rajesh with the book? I got angry and asked her what was wrong? The conversation so continued.

Myself: Why did you hit him? He is such a mathematical genius? You both are made for each other! He told me about your dandia prowess and the hidden mathematical genius!

Tanvi rolled her eye and said:  Are you serious? Was he proposing to me? I thought that he was threatening me! He gave me a book titled “Life After Death” I mistakenly hit his mother with a dandya and I thought he was getting even with me by throwing a hint at me that my life was soon going to end and that I should be prepared for life after death! I hit him in self defence!

Myself: What? What are you saying? Didn’t he propose to you while handing over the book? It was so romantic! This book! How could you feel threatened? It was a metaphorical gift!

Tanvi: Metaphorical? I don’t understand the meaning? Is it a brand? This book “metaphorical”? He told me that he intends to take this equation to its logical end! Can you believe it! Logical end! He wanted to end my life! And you talk about romance? Proposal? Where were the roses? Where was the ring? Where was the wine? Where was the music? I could have considered his proposal even if he would have proposed to me while I was playing dandia! But proposing in the library is not happening!

She said this and walked away with an air of arrogance! I was left stranded with my blood boiling! How could she find the book “Life after Death” unromantic! A Bengali girl would have instantly agreed! At the risk of being labelled as judgemental, I immediately concluded that this girl was dim witted!

Nevertheless, Rajesh’s first true love was lost for ever! It took Rajesh 3 whole months to resume his conversation with me! After being married to a Gujju now, I can now understand why she hit Rajesh with that book! However, for a decade, I could not figure out where I went wrong in my advice!  J J J

In you want to save yourself from being assaulted by a Bong, please take my advice about the fact that you should refrain from taking advice from your Bong friends in the matters of heart! J 

GOOF-UPS DURING THE DELHI WEDDING

Just when you think that you have thoroughly organized everything; that nothing could possibly go wrong as you have arranged everything as per your to-do list and crossed checked it a million times and you finally subconsciously pat yourself on your back for being completely in charge of the situation; it is at this time you realize that there are external forces at play that might completely pull the carpet off your feet! A series of funny (well, in retrospect, I do find the incidents funny-though I did not share similar sentiments when they actually occurred) incidences made me realize that we are not so organized after all, that even after going through our to do list a million times, there are certain things which might just get left out; that even if we put our best foot forward, we might goof up and thanks to the collective paranoia of our peers, things go haywire!

This realization dawned on me a couple of weeks ago while attending a wedding in Delhi! Having attended a couple of grand Marwari and Punjabi weddings in the past, I convinced my modest Bong conscience to pardon me for having spent a sizable part of my salary just to get the accessories and costumes in line! I got my entire family (my husband and mother in law) to shop around and get new clothes and accessories in place! (I know Hiren will never forgive me for coxing him to purchase and wear the blingy and shiny foot wear (mojdi) ;-). As the day of our departure to Delhi approached, I cross checked and rechecked whether we had everything in place! I made a long list and ticked everything off while packing!  I never felt so paranoid during my wedding! After all, my wedding was a simple affair! I asked Hiren a million times whether he had the flight ticket printouts ready with him, whether he packed his stuff, whether he has kept the cash and cards safely and what not! After having done all the packing on Friday, me and Hiren went for a stroll post dinner, having satisfied ourselves about putting everything in place! How could anything possibly go wrong now?  I now realize how optimistic I was back then! L. Right from the time of post dinner stroll, goof-ups began to happen in various degrees!

First goof-up: Insomnia before flight!

We had an early morning flight scheduled at 8:00am for which we were supposed to reach airport by 7:00am for which we were supposed to leave home by 6:00am for which we were supposed to wake up by 5:00am! And it more often than not happens with me that just when I know I am supposed to wake up early, my system plays a bad joke on me and turns me into an insomniac L I just couldn’t sleep! I And Hiren, being the nocturnal bird, chose to remain awake till 3:00am watching sitcom knowing fully well that he was supposed to wake up at 5:00am! I tried reasoning out with the part of brain that was responsible for inducing sleep! Understand! You have a flight to catch! You have to wake up early! Go to sleep! You have a long day tomorrow! Buzz off! You have a lot of functions to attend! You need rest! But no! If you remain awake, you will look like a Dracula with dark circles in the function! My sleep, it seems played hide and seek with me and I almost remained awake till 5:00am! And what was the effect? Just when I was supposed to feel fresh and energetic, I woke up with dark circles and felt groggy and irrigated to start off with! L.  This is certainly not the way you would want to start off your trip!

Second goof-up: Wrong terminal!

I smartly asked Hiren a million times whether he had the e-tickets! Hiren, as usual, replied in full confidence and assured me not to worry! This is his patent dialogue “Tension mat le, sab control me hai” When we finally reached the airport, and showed our e-tickets to the guard, he smiled sarcastically and informed us that we were at the wrong terminal! As we were travelling through Air-India, it was an International flight and we were to go to the T2 terminal which is approximately 10 to 15 minutes by auto! I felt like a fool! I mean, how we could not check our e-tickets? It was so dumb! I looked at Hiren angrily! He had the e-tickets! He should have checked! But there was no time left for arguments! Some rickshaw walas, sensing our confusion, offered to drop us till the T2 terminal by charging us 500 Rupees! He thought we are not from Mumbai! After all, a Mumbaite would have the common sense to check his e-tickets in case of Air-India flight, which at times departs through international airport!

Third Goof up-Bags flung off the taxi rail:

We got rid of the rickshawwala who wanted to rip us off for a short fair and finally got a taxi for T2 terminal! The taxi driver hastily kept all our bags on the top of the taxi in the square shaped luggage grille. Due to lack of time, the luggage bags were not fastened with a rope.  Just when we were on the highway, Hiren very coolly said “I think our bag fell off the taxi” I wonder how he could be so calm while saying this! I mean, it could have been the bag in which we kept all our wedding cloths and jewellery!  I mean I know that he is stoic but this is not the time to display stoicism! I was panic stricken and yelled at no one in particular! Instead of asking the taxi to stop, Hiren only looked out of the window and said, “I am not sure whether the bag fell but I did hear some noise, we will check when we reach the terminal as there is not time to stop in the middle of the highway!” I just wanted to jump out of the taxi and run on the highway in search of the bag that apparently fell! But Hiren, as usual, was holding guns and did not allow the cab as he was not 100% sure whether the bags fell off!  If we stop the taxi for searching the bags, we might miss our flight! If the bags with the wedding cloth did fell off, we might have no wedding cloths to wear and would be compelled to attend the wedding in shorts and jeans. I was so confused and panic-stricken that I couldn’t argue with him either ways. Once we finally reached the airport, Hiren counted the bags and assured me that the Bags had not fallen off but were merely shifted off its place! Whoof! No words would suffice to convey the relief I felt then!

4^th Goof ups related to gifting:   

After finally reach the air-port and completing the security check-in, when we were about to sit peacefully in the waiting lounge, Anagha asked “What about the gift?” We are going to the wedding, what are we gifting?” Imagine! I was shopping since the past one month and completely skipped planning for the gift! I again looked angrily at Hiren as the thumb rule between us is that we start with the assumption that it is always Hiren’s fault, if something goes wrong! I mean I had hundred and ten other things to take care off! He should have reminded me L.  While I am cent percent sure that Hiren forgot about it, he covered up by saying that he had always wanted to buy something from Delhi so as to avoid carrying it! What a lame excuse! Nevertheless, Anagha, being the creative one, decided to pick up something from the Airport and selected a beautiful pair of wine glasses from the Mumbai airport shop to which we all agreed unanimously!  Once we reached Delhi and were waiting at the hotel reception, we realized that we did our next goof up! Anagha forgot the wine glasses in the washroom at the Delhi Airport! So it was like, buying a beautiful pair of expensive wine glass at the Mumbai Airport for the purpose of gifting it to the cleaner at the Delhi airport! It may sound noble, but it doesn’t feel so especially when it’s a last minute arrangement for conveying that we haven’t forgotten our social courtesies of failing to bring a gift after coming all the way from Mumbai!

5^th Goof up-High during sangeet: 

Punjabi-Sardar weddings call for a free flow of alcohol! The sangeet function was at its Punjabi best! Amazing food, awesome music, attractive people made for a heady cocktail! Hiren thinks it is his moral duty as a husband to ensure that I drink myself to death ;-)! In all my drunken excitement I forgot that my mother-in-law was also present in the sangeet function! I was dancing to the Bollywood music to my heart’s content, as if I would never get to dance again! I saw my mother in law sitting quietly and in my inebriated state did no find it quite right to let her sit all alone!  I pulled my mother-in-law to the dance floor and forced her to sway to the tune of Bollywood music! Looking at my state, she did oblige and danced quite a bit but I crossed my limits when I said I would not let her go off the dance floor J and that she will have to dance with me till the end J I now realize why alcohol is considered as one of the biggest vices L  I am lucky to have a broad minded mother in law who later laughed off at the whole episode! The other day on my mid-night birthday celebration, she told me, with a mischievous smile, “Esha..dont drink much, as you have office tomorrow and I am too tired to dance with you throughout the night today ;-) J ;-) 

6^th Goof-up-Wade robe malfunction: 

During the next day of wedding, while searching my luggage for the dress that I was supposed to wear for the wedding, I realized that I forgot to pack the salwar for my anarkali! I mean, this was completely off limits!  How could I be so careless? I panicked!  My mid started racing! There was no time and money to shop! All my funds were already exhausted! This time, Hiren looked angrily at me! How could I forget something so basic? In order to address the wade robe malfunction, I wore jagging beneath the anarkali J  Look at the picture  above;-) Luckily, the anarkali was very long and hence not an inch of jagging was visible! Had it been shorter, the jagging chain near my ankle would have made me look like a fool! J 

These were the major goof ups! I do not want to pen all the other goof ups here as I would end up writing a short novel on the blunders committed by us collectively! Nevertheless, I believe that these incidents made the lovely wedding all the more memorable! We enjoyed, despite of all the goof-ups and that, I believe, what matters, at the end of the day J

Testimonial for Pompus Pony

A couple of months back, I was asked, or rather coaxed, much to my consternation, to say something nice and remarkable about one of my distant aunt, who was flying back to U.S. The occasion was a testimonial dinner. Or so it seemed to me, as my mother, knowing my impulsive streak, had issued an ultimatum to me, well in advance, that I was expected to say something good, that I should remember that it is not necessary to be honest all the time, that I should at least try giving the sweeter version of truth.  As far as I was concerned, my poor mother was hoping for a miracle.  My mother knew that I had given this U.S. flying aunt a nickname “Pompous Pony”.  She was pompous, to say the least, and she walked like a pony, the one that you ride at Matheran – swift, jumpy steps. ;-) know you guys might be assuming what I am trying to lead you to.  Well this testimonial dinner proved to be my first social disaster; for I just couldn't play the part, just couldn't be phony and melodramatic, just couldn't manage to lie with a straight face, much to my mother’s indignation. Though secretly I felt I did a great service to my mom, as no one expected her to organize a testimonial dinner any more after that debacle.

This is what exactly happened on that occasion:

My pompous aunt made it a point to see to it that she was the last person to make it to any function. Somehow she was under the delusion that the last guest happens to be a show stopper. To add to my misery, no sooner did she arrive, the guest jumped to being a testimonial dinner in her honour, and smelling the same, she was at her pompous best. No sooner the dinner started, the elders took their turn to say something heart rending about her. One of my uncles, for the reasons best known to him, and the one that I could never understand, went to the extent of calling Ms. Pompous Pony, the purest soul who would attain enlightenment soon. I was wondering how enlightened this uncle really was. I asked my mother whether this uncle knew that Ms. Pompous Pony was flying back to U.S., and not to the Himalayas!!! So what was this enlightenment nonsense all about? Another aunt, sweet though she is, out of the tendency of always saying something good even about the most corrupt soul around, complimented Ms. Pompous Pony about her strong headed character. Again, my mind went racing. I tried recalling the last time Ms. Pompous Pony acted strong headed. Another distant cousin revelled about the cookery skills of Ms. Pompous Pony.  Another one complimented her about her dressing skills. My head was spinning, literally. I discovered that I had smooth liars in my family. ;-) I knew that my turn would come soon. I knew my mother was saying a silent prayer. My mother was praying that in case I do not have anything decent to spurt; I should not be a spoil sport and maintain dignified silence. But when it comes to me, god, as usual, turned deaf to my mother’s prayers. As soon as my turn came, all eyes got stuck at me. I felt as if I was under a scanner when twenty pair of eye cast expectant look at me. I realized why I hated such testimonial dinners.

I completely forgot the lines my mother had taught me.  It was as good as forgetting the answers that you mug up in the last minute without ever understanding what it ever really meant. The little demon within me, was forcing me to speak the truth, only truth, and nothing but the truth. I cleared my throat, fully realizing that my aunt will need anti-depressant, or some other strong anti-psychotic pills that those psychiatrists dole out to control traumas in case she ever happens to read my mind!!! I said that my dear aunt gives me a lot to hope for. Hope that how easy it is to iron out the creases on your life and at the same time making the life of people around you messy and miserable. Oops!!! What was that? Why did I say that? I stammered and stuttered and tried correcting myself. I said that what I meant was that aunt is a female version of Ranjikant!!! She has the art of making the most fictitious things look and sound real!!! Nopes!!! Sorry again!!! I requested my aunt not to misread my unwarranted utterances. I again tried correcting myself, trying to sound as apologetic as I can. I said that what I meant that it’s an art to walk like a jumping pony, dress up in Page 3 fashion, and carry a Baba Ramdev look on your face and at the same time take credit for the success of your husband’s business and your cooks cookery skills, your designers wardrobe choices; when even the new born in your family knows that you are as smart as him or as good a cook as him or as refined as him and that you are so lazy that you possibly need help to change diapers like him!!! It is really an art! Oh Gosh! Why? I mean why on earth I am saying what I am saying??? I saw a glint of tears in my aunt’s eye. For a fraction of second I was dumb enough to assume that she was over whelmed by my testimonial. :-) :-) But my mother was quick enough to make me realize the otherwise.  She asked me to leave the room immediately. I shrugged my shoulders and was about to open my mouth in my defense that I realize that it would be in the interest of all that I leave them alone.

Okay folks! I know I am not Mr. Know It All to philosophies on the pros and cons of testimonials! All that I can say is that a person who really deserves a testimonial would never crave for one. The true testimonials are often left unsaid, for they often get reflected in your actions for the person who deserves your testimonial and not in some fancy sounding words.  If you really love and appreciate someone, show it in your action. Let it not be a one off event!!!

My poor aunt has stopped attending testimonial dinners. :-) Nevertheless, I plan to attend or rather gate crash, (please know that I am not invited for such dinners any more. :P) another one soon. :-)  Will let you folks know!   Till then, let me know such weird incidents or rather eye openers of your life!!!

Aren't we all lawyers in our own right? ;-)

I vividly recall the contempt and disgust on the face of a well-meaning friend when I informed her that I would be studying law as I couldn't make the head and tail out of Science in my junior college years! No sooner did I tell her about my plans to pursue law, I got deluged with her never ending questions and reprimands! This is how she went, “Why law? What is wrong with you? Are you going to stand on the street and yell ‘affidavit’ ‘affidavit’?  Don’t you have any self-respect? You know how these lawyers are! All that they do is coin big fat lies and charge hefty fees! She went on and on and on! Guess the little demonic lawyer within me was waiting for a chance to rebut her arguments! It was the first litmus test I went through! Remaining unfazed even in the midst of severest criticism and simultaneously thinking through your rebuttals in an objective and detached manner is the most important trait a lawyer has to exhibit! In retrospect, I fail to understand the reason for the disgust and contempt!  This is for the simple reason that I see almost everyone around me exhibiting lawyering skills in various degrees and form.  They don’t need a degree! They do not need to stand in front of the judge! The do not need to understand complex case-laws. The basic traits of a lawyer are just inbuilt in their genetic code! Why demonize the poor lawyers who are already burdened with the task of reading voluminous case laws to no end!  ;-) The most surprising part is that these tendencies are displayed by people at every level! You don’t agree? Okay, allow me to explain!  I will set out 5 typical lawyer’s tendencies and the group of people in whom I witness these traits.

Drink and Binge!: Let me admit the fact! Lawyers love drinking! They have very valid reason to forget most part of their conscious life! Take it from me! Complex document isn’t worth remembering! The community is highly stressed! Stressed because of the clients! Stressed because of fellow lawyers! Stressed because of difficult judges! Stressed because of voluminous reading! What is the solution to this? Vodka, Old Monk and Rum! Is this not a common solution for a lay man as well? Let us face it! I see a lot of my friends in the non-legal field resorting to the same stress bursting mechanism! They are equally stressed! Stressed because of the bosses! Stressed because of the colleagues! Stressed because of the targets! Stressed because of wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend! And this is where the path of a lawyer and a layman crosses. It crosses at the bar! It is the place where they attempt to forget whatever inflicts them! Corporate life is indeed blurring the distinction between a lawyer and a layman!

Pessimism:  We lawyers are alleged to be a bunch of pessimistic morons! We always think about what can go wrong. Our starting point in any relationship is the precautions to be taken in the worst case scenario perspective! Before marriage, we will think through the pre-nuptial agreement! Before signing on any dotted line in a commercial contract, we read the finer print million times to ensure that we are not being taken for a ride! Hang on! Is the bug of pessimism only biting lawyers? Certainly not! Look at insurance agents! The premises of selling insurance policy are “fear of death”.  Whenever I talk to my insurance agent, the ominous feeling that death is around the corner grips me and I think of increasing my premium amount in order to further secure my family L Is the corporate world not making us pessimistic? Appraisal will happen in the next two months and I see the wave of pessimism surging! I often hear super pessimistic dialogues from my friends about how they will be left out in the corporate rat race and how the boss is partial towards colleague X or colleague Y and how they have always been treated unfairly! They go on and on and on and there is just no end to it! Students pursuing academics are no strangers to pessimism! I often see students cribbing about the college, the professors, the entrance exams, and the rat race to get a well-paying job and about what not? The examples can be endless! The point is, the sense of pessimism is shared by lawyers and layman alike!

Eye for detail: Lawyers are known to have an eye for detail! Give them a voluminous document of 100 page and they will tell you by the end of the day how you are being fooled on the 75^th page in clause (56) sub-clause (b) on account of the twisted and ambiguous language! They will hear the whole facts out, ask you a million questions until and unless they are not completely satisfied that they have all the details required to make their case out! In the usual course of life, I find this trait being exhibited by a lot of people around me, especially women! When we gossip, we need to know the whole story. J We want complete detail! Nothing should be left out! How dare you not tell me about her 5^th breakup and 3^rd wedding! It was necessary for me to understand her true character! How can you leave out such important fact that was necessary for me to appreciate the truth in its entirety? ;-) How meticulous women are with their house chores! If we have a maid, we are so easily able to spot dirt in the most remote and the obscure corner of our house! How dare we then say that only lawyers have an eye for detail? In the corporate world, we would like to have complete details of our colleague’s personal and professional lives! We would always want to know everything about our bosses! We would always want to have the inside scoop! Let us not therefore not attribute this quality only to the poor lawyers!

 Acrimonious attitude: Lawyers are often alleged to instigate fights! There is an assumption that they are always ready to plunge into verbal duel! They are disputed oriented and just love the words of war! While I might not entirely disagree, I would nevertheless assert that this trait is again not restricted to lawyers! Travel in ladies compartment in any train in Mumbai and you will know what I am talking about!  Participate in any society meetings and you will realize that there is an in-built lawyer in every society member! In the local trains, you will be amused when you see women yelling and fighting with the choicest of the abuses over flimsiest of the reasons! Trust me the reason are more often than not, unreasonable! But they just love arguing and fighting! In the society meetings, people behave as if the spot light is on them! Their inner lawyer suddenly wakes up! They remove their imaginary sword and start slaying the chairman or the secretaries! It is fun to attend society meetings for this very reason! You will see lawyers without degrees arguing the fiercest of the battles afflicting societies.

Alpha A type personality: Lawyers are known to be highly competitive.  They are always out there to beat the opponent! They have to be the best! They have to have the last word! Pardon me but I see these personalities everywhere these days! People who are not A type are taking up self-help courses to become an A type personalities! There is indeed a very high level of competitiveness everywhere at all levels, whether it be at school, office, family, friend circle and what not! So let us not accuse lawyers of possessing this personality trait! We all are equally guilty at some level!

This list can go on and on! There is no end to it! Every individual is a lawyer in his or her own right presenting his or her case at various lawyers and exhibiting those very traits that they otherwise dislike in a lawyer! Are we therefore being fair to the legal community by looking down upon them? J J J

Human Life over God!

Off lately, the still photograph of ISIS militants clad in black, wielding either a Kalashnikov or knife standing behind their victims clad in orange jumpsuit keeling on the barren ground, has become all too frequent. The victims belong to various nationalities, ranging from US to UK to Japan being the latest. The mark of similarity is not only restricted to the same barren background or the carefully coordinated costume colour of the victim and the militant. What is strikingly similar is the expression on the face of all the victims. What really leaves a lasting and painfully disturbing impression is the image of the naked fear in the eye of the victims who are painfully made aware of the fact that death is awaiting just around the corner and that they are hanging on to the few precious living moments at the mercy of the Kalashnikov wielding militants. This powerfully moving imagery relayed all across the globe on account of ISIS’s access to the internet has impact at multiple levels. It once again reiterates the impact of a picture on human psychology. When you read statistics in the newspaper about the loss of human lives caught in cross fire, you are more often than not, not affected by it and often tend to ignore it terming it as “collateral damage” necessary for greater good. However, when you see these gory videos, it pulls the carpet off your feet. Numerically speaking, the number of victims may be few or far off between. But you take the loss at a personal level. You feel the pain of the victim and the family. It unnerves and disturbs you at a level you may have not imagined.


Presuming if there are no third-party string pullers who are using this militant organization for ulterior motives and presuming if there are individuals of twisted mentality who are day dreaming about establishing a medieval era’s power structures consisting of Caliphate based rule; some relevant questions are worth analysing organization. Is the ISIS smart or plainly stupid? While it certainly succeeds in drawing attention to itself by means of circulating these disturbing videos, what does it stand to achieve at any level in the long run? I hope the stalwarts behind the organization are aware of the fact that they are looked down upon as a bunch of blood sucking barbarians who operate on the basis of the most twisted ideology that has no place in the rational world. I hope that they are also aware of the fact that all that they succeed in is bringing bad name to Islam! I hope they have the common sense to understand that a Caliphate style power structure does not fit in the 21st century global geo-political world. 

However, if the above presumptions are incorrect, and there are indeed string pullers behind the scene, it is worth evaluating who is sponsoring ISIS? Who funds them to buy weapons, missiles and warfare machinery that is lethal enough to uproot the incumbent government in Iraq and Syria? Are there bigger players here? What are their ulterior motives? Is it again about controlling the oil economy in the Middle East? What are the string pullers intending to achieve by keeping the Middle-East in the state of constant war? What is the human price of the war? For how long will it continue? Have they evaluated the global consequences of creating one more Frankenstein monster? Have they not learnt anything from the past? These questions merit urgent attention.

Whether it is the power struggle to establish Caliphate or market struggle to control oil economy, the common denominator of sacrifice is human life in either case. This speaks volumes about the value of human race as a whole. I believe the beginning of the end of this senseless violence would commence when we start valuing human life over and above anything else! Human life over money! Human life over power! Human life over superior notions of individual faith! Human life over God! I don’t see any other way!