Awkward Moments

I now have strong reason to conclude that one must never follow one’s husband’s advice.  On the contrary, one must out rightly discard and throw out of the window any and all piece of advice, opinion, and request when it comes from the husband and do exactly the opposite of what the husband pushes you to do.  You think I am exaggerating?  Let me tell you one small anecdote.

My dear husband Hiren asked me to go shopping with him last week.  As much as I hate shopping, I obliged him for the simple reason that his current shoe looked like the “Charan Paduka” of some bygone era and I was very keen to ensure that he got rid of it.  

 My dear husband, to my general displeasure and embarrassment, is gifted with a complicated trait of innocence coupled with childish over confidence.  The dear man is very boisterous and bubbly generally and reaches cloud 9 altogether when he sees a lot of shoes. His excitement for shoes makes me feel that he was a cobbler in previous birth.  Nevertheless, coming back to the incidence, for some strange reason, (may be out of emotional connection to place) of all the places in the world, we decided to shop form the Bata show room in Borivili West.  To begin with, the crowd at the showroom appalled me for there was no place to get in on account of the shop being overcrowded due to monsoon season sale.  

But my dear husband, having decided that he would fulfil my wish of replacing his old ragged shoe, completely discarded my current state of mind and dragged me into the show room like a happy child.  We somehow pushed and shoved and reached the 1^st floor of the show room.  The dear husband happily started checking out the shoes while I tried making room for myself and simultaneously pushing all the scary thoughts of being crushed in the stampede.

All of a sudden my dear husband nudged me with his elbow and pointed towards a man who was also checking out shoes.  For the ease of reference, let us call that man as “Roxy”.  He then asked me to go call Roxy.  I was startled and on high alert.  Being completely aware of the tendency of my dear husband of making friends at the strangest of hour, I asked him why he was interested in striking conversation with this random Roxy in this godforsaken place and that he would have ample opportunity to befriend people later.  The dear husband gave me a patronising look and told me that Roxy was a sales man and that the only reason why he asked me to call Roxy was because he wanted further details about the shoes. 

I asked the dear husband how was he so sure that Roxy was the sales person. The explanation that my dear husband gave made me a new insight of his analytical skills.  He looked at me and then looked at the shoes and happily declared “Look Esha, it is obvious that he is a sales man. He is wearing a earning and intently looking at the shoes. Also, look how he seems to be explaining the characteristic of the shoes to those around him.  You Bengalis are so poor in figuring thing out.  Is in not a matter of common sense that the (a) earrings in his ears; (b) his keen observation of the shoes; and him being surrounded with lades makes him nothing but a sales man?”

I was baffled with his logic but somehow his over confidence impressed upon me and I decided to take a chance with Roxy.  I approached Roxy, patted him on his back and immediately asked him to explain and give all the details of the shoe that the husband was holding.  The husband saw me talking to Roxy from a distance and raised the shoe in his hand so that Roxy could see and figure out which shoe was I talking about. 

To my surprise and embarrassment, Roxy glared at me and asked me, “What makes you think I am the sales person? Don’t you have common sense” I was stumped. Like a fool I blabbered “What What What? Are you really not a sales man?”  He said nothing, and glared at me cruelly and walked away. I guess I heard him muttering “What a lousy woman”.   It was one of the most awkward moment of my life. His statement immensely pained my bong ego.  I angrily turned around and glared back at my dear Husband. My dear husband, in turn, glared at the shoes for some strange reason as if the shoe was responsible for his lot!

I went back to dear husband and hissed, “I made a fool of myself thanks to your brilliant analysis about the sales person”.    As usual, so scared was my dear husband of my wrath that he immediately dropped the shoe and dragged me out with him out of the shoe store for he was scared that I would hit him with the same shoe.  While leaving the mall, when we turned around and looked at the glass window of the shop, we could see ten different men in red t-shirt catering to various customers. We looked at each other and burst out laughing. J

I dragged the dear husband back into the mall so that he could buy the shoes that he liked with a firm resolution that never again in my life will I ever heed his advice regarding the potential professional role of any person. 

In retrospect, I cursed Roxy for there was no need for him to get so offended on being misunderstood as a sales man.  I mean is there not such a thing called as the “dignity of labour”?  I am sure he might be some spoilt Gujju brat of Borivili West.

Anyways, a clear message of all the ladies, please be careful before you heed your husband’s advice. J i

Awkward Moments

I now have strong reason to conclude that one must never follow one’s husband’s advice.  On the contrary, one must out rightly discard and throw out of the window any and all piece of advice, opinion, and request when it comes from the husband and do exactly the opposite of what the husband pushes you to do.  You think I am exaggerating?  Let me tell you one small anecdote.

My dear husband Hiren asked me to go shopping with him last week.  As much as I hate shopping, I obliged him for the simple reason that his current shoe looked like the “Charan Paduka” of some bygone era and I was very keen to ensure that he got rid of it.  

 My dear husband, to my general displeasure and embarrassment, is gifted with a complicated trait of innocence coupled with childish over confidence.  The dear man is very boisterous and bubbly generally and reaches cloud 9 altogether when he sees a lot of shoes. His excitement for shoes makes me feel that he was a cobbler in previous birth.  Nevertheless, coming back to the incidence, for some strange reason, (may be out of emotional connection to place) of all the places in the world, we decided to shop form the Bata show room in Borivili West.  To begin with, the crowd at the showroom appalled me for there was no place to get in on account of the shop being overcrowded due to monsoon season sale.  

But my dear husband, having decided that he would fulfil my wish of replacing his old ragged shoe, completely discarded my current state of mind and dragged me into the show room like a happy child.  We somehow pushed and shoved and reached the 1^st floor of the show room.  The dear husband happily started checking out the shoes while I tried making room for myself and simultaneously pushing all the scary thoughts of being crushed in the stampede.

All of a sudden my dear husband nudged me with his elbow and pointed towards a man who was also checking out shoes.  For the ease of reference, let us call that man as “Roxy”.  He then asked me to go call Roxy.  I was startled and on high alert.  Being completely aware of the tendency of my dear husband of making friends at the strangest of hour, I asked him why he was interested in striking conversation with this random Roxy in this godforsaken place and that he would have ample opportunity to befriend people later.  The dear husband gave me a patronising look and told me that Roxy was a sales man and that the only reason why he asked me to call Roxy was because he wanted further details about the shoes. 

I asked the dear husband how was he so sure that Roxy was the sales person. The explanation that my dear husband gave made me a new insight of his analytical skills.  He looked at me and then looked at the shoes and happily declared “Look Esha, it is obvious that he is a sales man. He is wearing a earning and intently looking at the shoes. Also, look how he seems to be explaining the characteristic of the shoes to those around him.  You Bengalis are so poor in figuring thing out.  Is in not a matter of common sense that the (a) earrings in his ears; (b) his keen observation of the shoes; and him being surrounded with lades makes him nothing but a sales man?”

I was baffled with his logic but somehow his over confidence impressed upon me and I decided to take a chance with Roxy.  I approached Roxy, patted him on his back and immediately asked him to explain and give all the details of the shoe that the husband was holding.  The husband saw me talking to Roxy from a distance and raised the shoe in his hand so that Roxy could see and figure out which shoe was I talking about. 

To my surprise and embarrassment, Roxy glared at me and asked me, “What makes you think I am the sales person? Don’t you have common sense” I was stumped. Like a fool I blabbered “What What What? Are you really not a sales man?”  He said nothing, and glared at me cruelly and walked away. I guess I heard him muttering “What a lousy woman”.   It was one of the most awkward moment of my life. His statement immensely pained my bong ego.  I angrily turned around and glared back at my dear Husband. My dear husband, in turn, glared at the shoes for some strange reason as if the shoe was responsible for his lot!

I went back to dear husband and hissed, “I made a fool of myself thanks to your brilliant analysis about the sales person”.    As usual, so scared was my dear husband of my wrath that he immediately dropped the shoe and dragged me out with him out of the shoe store for he was scared that I would hit him with the same shoe.  While leaving the mall, when we turned around and looked at the glass window of the shop, we could see ten different men in red t-shirt catering to various customers. We looked at each other and burst out laughing. J

I dragged the dear husband back into the mall so that he could buy the shoes that he liked with a firm resolution that never again in my life will I ever heed his advice regarding the potential professional role of any person. 

In retrospect, I cursed Roxy for there was no need for him to get so offended on being misunderstood as a sales man.  I mean is there not such a thing called as the “dignity of labour”?  I am sure he might be some spoilt Gujju brat of Borivili West.

Anyways, a clear message of all the ladies, please be careful before you heed your husband’s advice. J i

Dr. Phil’s Advice for Wrongly Accused

After having witnessed the sufferings of those who have been wrongly accused of the crime they never committed, and often finding myself helpless in ameliorating their pain and suffering, I tried seeking refuge to the internet. One piece of advice that is really worth reading is found on the following website: http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/217

I am reproducing Dr. Phil’s advice below for the benefit of those who have been wrongly accused.  I am minded of the fact that this step is just a drop in the ocean of  daunting task ahead. Nevertheless, spreading the word of Dr. Phil makes me peaceful for the simple reason that there is always a chance that some tortured soul out there who is trying to seek comfort may just happen to read this meaningful piece of advice:

“False accusations and gossip can destroy lives, even if the accused is innocent. If your reputation is under attack, Dr. Phil has advice on taking your power back:

• Acceptance: Accept that there is no way you can erase what has happened. Even though the accusations may be unfair and untrue, the situation is real. You need to get out of denial about that in order to deal with it in the here and now.
• Watch your language: Watch your catastrophic language. If you keep saying this is "horrible" and your life is "ruined," you add to the stress. Put things in perspective. An innocent child in a burn unit of a hospital is horrible. Perhaps your situation isn't as tragic. Perhaps your life isn't ruined, but just damaged. Change your internal dialogue, and you will feel better.
• You Create Your Own Experience:  The first person you've got to repair your reputation with is you. Are you a bad guy? Are you a bad citizen? Do you hurt people? Do you commit crimes? The answer if probably no. Stop feeling guilty and being angry with yourself. Own your mistakes, forgive yourself for them but don't continue to beat yourself up. Life is not a success-only journey. Learn from your bad decisions and move on.
• Steps to clean name: Ask yourself what you would like to see happen in order to clear your name. Is there anything that anyone — the authorities, your co-workers or someone in the community — can do that could ever make the situation better.
• Inner Circle Support: Begin with your inner circle. Start rebuilding your reputation with your family, close friends and neighbors. You make sure they know the truth. When your inner circle knows who you really are, they will go out into the world with the truth, and it will create a ripple effect. And if you are confronted with these false accusations again, you look the person in the eye, and you tell your side of the story. You don't need to bring this up the rest of your life, but in your immediate circle and in this immediate time, you want to step up and tell them the truth.
• Faith in oneself: Understand that people might come forward to admit they were wrong. And they might not. It is up to you to put this behind you. Give yourself what you wish you could receive from others. You need to say to yourself, "I know I didn't do this. And I will give myself what I wish the community, the authorities, etc., would give me."
• Teach People How to Treat You. If you walk into the world, and you're hanging your head, and you kind of don't want to look anybody in the eye, and you're shameful, then people will treat you that way. You have to be your own best friend, and you have to decide who you are at the core. Begin the process of closure by not reacting to what you think people are saying about you. If you allow yourself to be intimidated, feel guilty or shrink away because of what people think, you are putting yourself in a prison.
• Don't try to address every accusation: If you decide to start defending yourself, that will become your full-time job. If you answer every story, every piece of gossip, every allegation in your life, that's all you will ever do. You will be completely consumed by this, and it will take over your life.
• Stop reacting to the rumors: You give it legs by reacting to it. Don't draw attention to yourself defending the rumor. You need to give yourself permission to just live your life. If there are people out there who think something about you that you don't like, then those won't be your friends. There will be other people who will like and respect you for who you are, and they will be your friends.

Stand up for yourself and say, "I'm taking my power back. I'm not going to give them the power to pick my feelings. They're wrong, and I can look myself in the mirror knowing the truth." You have to decide that you believe in who you are, what you stand for, and what you do, and you just need to go forth and do it. You need to walk forward from the situation. Who you are and what you do, that will win out in time.

Know that it's normal to feel a twinge of guilt even if you're completely innocent. We always hear about guilt by association. But there is also guilt by accusation. People hear something negative and tend to believe it. If you accuse a person unfairly, he/she still has that twinge — just from having the finger pointed at him/her.

Don't fall into the trap of acting out with non-directional frustration. The stress that comes with being wrongly accused can lead a person to act out with those closest to them, like a spouse or child. Remember that the enemy isn't your loved one; it's an outside force.”

Indeed a great piece of advice Dr. Phil! 

From 24 to 30 and Beyond!

When I converse with people who belong to the age bracket of 18 to 24 years; it appears to me that we come from different planets altogether! I have heard about the book, “Men are from Mars-Women are from Venus”.  I now sincerely feel that the time is ripe to write a sequel, “18 to 24 years old are from Mercury whereas the 30+ year’s lot are from Pluto”!  How does life alter so fundamentally within a span of less than a decade? Why am I plagued with a feeling that we are different species altogether? Am I losing my sense of empathy? 

Why do I feel as if I never really was a 24 year old and was always beset with the same set of issues that typically plagues a 30 year old! You don’t even realize how EMI issue becomes more serious than boyfriend issue? It appears as if in a blink of an eye, the problem of buying a house at the age of 30 is certainly far more complicated than the problem of finding a decent well-paying job at the age of 24! What is more difficult? The challenges of starting a family at the age of 30 or the burden of kick starting your career at the age of 24?

In the age gap of 18 to 24, the question of “What next?” doesn’t bother you for the simple reason that the agenda is categorically chalked out for you by your friends and family in the form of a fixed 5 year plan! You literally have a list to cross! Complete your studies-Check! Find a job-Check! Find a decent set of people to socialize-Check! Find a mate to settle down-Check! You are so busy checking the check list to which you attach so much of importance that you end up presuming that your check list has pushed you into the most challenging phase of life.  What could be more challenging than the task of burning mid-night oil in the race of clearing your exams after exams for eventually obtaining your divine degree that would act as a magical key that would open the lock of your destiny and let you in the house of rocking career and financial stability? What would be more painful than the bleeding heart which is forced to tread across the treacherous path of broken relationships? Is there anything more taxing than the unending attempts of finding just the right kind of job that would act as the best launching pad?

Just when you are busy crossing the milestones from 18 to 24 after silently patting yourself on the back for having checked all the items in the “To do list”; you are hardly ready for what lays in store ahead! You have no idea that your time-travelled self has zoomed past into the future and is standing at the gate with a sign of “Welcome to the real world-Your journey has just began, please tighten the seat belt of responsibility and courage, for you are about to take the journey of never ending expectations, both internal and external!”  The feeling of growing up all of a sudden and being solely accountable for all your deeds and actions is scary indeed! In retrospect, you start thinking, what was I fretting and fuming for? Was getting the degree really that difficult? Why on earth was I making a big deal of my broken relationships? Am I not tackling far bigger challenges now? How stupid and naïve was I! How I blew things out of proportion! How I made a big deal out of every little thing which did not really mattered in the long run!

This thought process now sets me thinking. In retrospect, if I find the typical problems of a 24 year old as are less complicated in comparison to what plagues a 30 year old; will I belittle the problems that I face now when I turn 40? At the age of 40, in retrospect, will I reach a conclusion that all my worries were uncalled for? That the issues besetting me at 30 were non-issues really? That I shouldn't have made a big deal out of it?  How I wish I could time travel backwards and comfort my former self that it was pointless to be anxious, that it was meaningless to magnify problems’ that this was just a phase which would get over!

I cannot take a backward journey in time but at this juncture, especially when I am conscious of the fact that my current issues would lose its value and gravity over the course of the next decade, I can certainly decide to relax, to let go off, to calm down as nothing really matters in the larger schemes of things other than peace of mind. And is this realization not what growing up all about?

And if you fail to realize this, you shall forever be stuck at 24! The choice is yours!

Certainty Versus Uncertainty

Our expectations from life are so full of contradictions! Our nature is so dichotomous! Our habits are so uneven. At times, we want life to be full of adventure, replete with pleasant surprises, catching us unaware  like a cute child hidden behind a curtain who startles us by suddenly jumping in front of us. At other times, we want our lives to be as predictable and certain as day following night and seasons changing in the same rhythm over the course of its immortal existence. These inherent contradictions in our expectations create a tug of war between the contradictory expectations of our heart that are at daggers with each other all the time.

In the backdrop of certain and static patterns of life, why do we chase uncertainty?  The fact of birth and death is certain! The fact of ageing is certain! The fact of the cycle of gain and loss; joy and sorrow, success and failure, are nothing but the most unchangeable and predictable parameters of existence. Does that make us chase uncertainty? Is it because there is too much of certainty in the larger schemes of thing? Is it because we subconsciously feel that destiny or providence has given us a fixed frame of reference and we have little choice but to act and behave and choose within that frame of reference. Is this the reason why in certain corner of our heart we constantly endeavour to break ourselves free of this presumably monotonous existence?  Is the charm and craving for uncertainty and adventure nothing but a subconscious revolt against providence? Is it an attempt to break ourselves loose from the clutches of cyclic patterns of our existence? Do we chase uncertainty in the vain attempt of giving a new interpretation to the predictable patterns of the universe? Why do we seek entertainment? Why do we love to travel? Why do we like reading books, watching movies, seeing plays that are full of twists and turns? Why do we leave a well-paying job at regular interval and take up new job which becomes equally monotonous after a point of time? Why do we seek new relationships? Why do we yearn for thrill and passion in our romantic relationships as against peace and certainty? This is for the simple reason that human soul feels like a caged bird that is forced to flutter within the four corners of its caged existence. We end up reducing human life to an endless attempt at escaping this supposedly caged existence. In our attempt at chasing uncertainty, we more often than not fail to discover the true meaning of our existence. We fail to delve into the deeper beings and discover the truth behind our existence.  We try breaking the imaginary circle of certainty and end up getting entrenched in the circle of illusions and disappointment. The ceaseless pursuit of uncertainty leads to the spinning of the web of sorrow. 

On the other hand, more often than not, when things become unpredictable and uncertain, we crave and yearn for predictability and certainty. When the ceaseless cycle of hard circumstances assumes the dimension of a monstrous wave and whirls us back and forth against the pain of rock; all that we care for, all that we want like a lost child is the predictable and certain circumstances that has the effect of the  peace and comfort of the bosom of mother! Why do we search our future in the stars? Why do we chase astrologers? Why do we read a person’s star sign either prior to or after meeting that person? Many a times, we like to be with the same set of people socially and professionally; we continue with the same job for years together, we follow the same transport route year after year, we follow the same routine, watch the same sitcoms, wear similar costumes without really experimenting with the latest fashion, celebrate the same occasions, visit the same holiday destination and end up behaving like a still water body which ends up rotting over the course of time.   We fear change and we consequently uncertainty and adventure ends up becoming our sworn enemy that haunts us every waking moment of our life! 

Why do we oscillate between clinging on to certainty and uncertainty?  Is it the consequence of the failure of human nature to accept what life offers or is it the outcome of the tumultuous nature of our expectations? In the process of giving our own interpretation to the life’s experiences; are we missing the larger picture? Are we failing to understand the lessons that the cyclic nature of certainty and uncertainty has to offer by interpreting it from our frame of reference and clinging on to it to our larger disadvantage?

Are there any certain answers to the above question? Do we seek any certain answers to it?  If you do have any answers, do share your thoughts!

The Intern

Saw Robert De Nero’s movie, “The Intern” today.  If I would start raving about how beautiful and well made the movie was; I would merely be repeating and echoing the same emotions as has been felt by millions of fans across the globe.  What the film reasserts is the power of a simple narrative to express complex emotions.  There is nothing complex about the story line. And that is the real beauty of the movie.   The multi layered human emotions can easily weave a confusing web that can leave one giddy if one attempts to entwine it.  Human equation is more often than not cast in the web of complexity. 

The role reversal in terms of the personal and professional life can further accelerate the confusion that overshadows this delicate equation.  The beauty of the plot lies in the fact that it set out an objective perspective in the form of the narrative of the old and wise intern.  The wise intern is like a guide post who silently and subtly nudges the protagonist to reflect upon her emotions, goals and aspirations.  The character of the intern to whom Robert De Nero has certainly done full justice is like an inner voice that helps the protagonist to do course correction at regular intervals.

In real life we may not have the privilege of having such a sagely Intern around us.  However, if we choose to listen to sound of our inner voice, we would certainly realize that we all have the privilege of having a guardian angel in the form of our inner voice, our gut feeling that refuses to leave our side come what may.  I believe that it is this inner voice, this gut feeling that plays the role of the sagely intern in our lives. Unfortunately, the constant clamour of every day existences pushes this inner voice into a dark and deep corner. If only we free ourselves from the clutches of this constant clamour and allow the inner voice to express itself, we would certainly find our intern that helps us get past the treacherous path of continuous hurt to the safe havens of peace and internal freedom.

Hope we learn to listen to the sound of our beautiful inner voice those servers as our selfless interns, if only we choose to listen!

The Other Daughter

Whilst the whole nation, it seems, has been caught unaware in the gory whirlpool of the Indrani Mukherjee’s spinning tale of the alleged crime of Filicide; one fails to notice that person who will, without an ounce of doubt, be drowned and sucked into the whirlpool of this bloody mess will be the second daughter of Indrani Mukherjees, namely Vidhi Khanna! While an ignorant viewer is busy absorbing the numerous twists and turns that leaves one with feeling giddy, to say the least; the ignorant viewer fails to notice Vidhi’s lot. Destiny, it seems, is in the process of extracting a very heavy price from Vidhi Khanna for having Indrani Mukherjee as her mother. Whilst any person is innocent, until proven guilty, despite of compelling evidence thus far, unlike a layman, I will not take the liberty of pronouncing Indrani Mukherjee guilty for the purpose of this write up. The evidence is yet to be appreciated by the court of law. However, having said that, in the context of Vidhi Khanna, the alleged act of Indrani Mukherjee is worth analysing.

Presuming if Indrani and her husband are pronounced as guilty eventually, she would not only be guilty of filicide in context of Sheena Bora but she would also be guilty of having committed a grievous crime against Vidhi; the crime of perpetually subjecting her to a deep sense of betrayal and loss, the depth and nature of which is difficult to gauge at this moment. Even though Vidhi is not to be held accountable or blamed for the crimes her parents have allegedly committed, it will be highly difficult, if not impossible, for her to come to terms with the fact that she is not liable to bear the cross of this social stigma; that she should not be made to pay the heavy price of perpetually lost social standing, honour and dignity on account of the crimes her parents have allegedly committed. However, this calls for a lot of rationalizing which will easily take a good amount of time, especially in light of the long drawn nature of the trial process per se.

The psychological impact of this crime will leave a scar on Vidhi’s heart and mind forever. It is difficult to imagine oneself in her situation. How would you feel if you discover that your parents have murdered your sibling whom you presumed to be your aunt all along? How would you feel if you discover that your parents’ life was just a façade, a charade, with multiple layers of lies, betrayals and fabrications at every step? How would you feel if you wake up one day only to read your mother having been labelled as an ambitious, vindictive, greedy, self-centred and murderous witch? What would you go through if both your parents are behind the bar and you are left dazzled and confused on account of numerous versions and counter versions of the alleged nature of their crime. It is difficult to answer all these questions. Vidhi is the best person to answer these questions!

It is worth viewing this video in which you see a clip of Vidhi attending Bandra Court:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2DKF9ziJ5A

The expression on Vidhi’s face when she is being let into the court room while simultaneously being pushed and shoved by reporters who are falling over each other to get her byte would certainly elicit pity if one looks at her without being prejudiced on account of her parent’s alleged acts. It is an expression which reflects fear, confusion and embarrassment e at the same time.

It is difficult to ascertain what remains in store for Vidhi. The path is certainly long and thorny. It is difficult to ascertain how she will handle this. The least that the media and society can do is not make her the scapegoat for she has a lot to handle already!