Testimonial for Pompus Pony

A couple of months back, I was asked, or rather coaxed, much to my consternation, to say something nice and remarkable about one of my distant aunt, who was flying back to U.S. The occasion was a testimonial dinner. Or so it seemed to me, as my mother, knowing my impulsive streak, had issued an ultimatum to me, well in advance, that I was expected to say something good, that I should remember that it is not necessary to be honest all the time, that I should at least try giving the sweeter version of truth.  As far as I was concerned, my poor mother was hoping for a miracle.  My mother knew that I had given this U.S. flying aunt a nickname “Pompous Pony”.  She was pompous, to say the least, and she walked like a pony, the one that you ride at Matheran – swift, jumpy steps. ;-) know you guys might be assuming what I am trying to lead you to.  Well this testimonial dinner proved to be my first social disaster; for I just couldn't play the part, just couldn't be phony and melodramatic, just couldn't manage to lie with a straight face, much to my mother’s indignation. Though secretly I felt I did a great service to my mom, as no one expected her to organize a testimonial dinner any more after that debacle.

This is what exactly happened on that occasion:

My pompous aunt made it a point to see to it that she was the last person to make it to any function. Somehow she was under the delusion that the last guest happens to be a show stopper. To add to my misery, no sooner did she arrive, the guest jumped to being a testimonial dinner in her honour, and smelling the same, she was at her pompous best. No sooner the dinner started, the elders took their turn to say something heart rending about her. One of my uncles, for the reasons best known to him, and the one that I could never understand, went to the extent of calling Ms. Pompous Pony, the purest soul who would attain enlightenment soon. I was wondering how enlightened this uncle really was. I asked my mother whether this uncle knew that Ms. Pompous Pony was flying back to U.S., and not to the Himalayas!!! So what was this enlightenment nonsense all about? Another aunt, sweet though she is, out of the tendency of always saying something good even about the most corrupt soul around, complimented Ms. Pompous Pony about her strong headed character. Again, my mind went racing. I tried recalling the last time Ms. Pompous Pony acted strong headed. Another distant cousin revelled about the cookery skills of Ms. Pompous Pony.  Another one complimented her about her dressing skills. My head was spinning, literally. I discovered that I had smooth liars in my family. ;-) I knew that my turn would come soon. I knew my mother was saying a silent prayer. My mother was praying that in case I do not have anything decent to spurt; I should not be a spoil sport and maintain dignified silence. But when it comes to me, god, as usual, turned deaf to my mother’s prayers. As soon as my turn came, all eyes got stuck at me. I felt as if I was under a scanner when twenty pair of eye cast expectant look at me. I realized why I hated such testimonial dinners.

I completely forgot the lines my mother had taught me.  It was as good as forgetting the answers that you mug up in the last minute without ever understanding what it ever really meant. The little demon within me, was forcing me to speak the truth, only truth, and nothing but the truth. I cleared my throat, fully realizing that my aunt will need anti-depressant, or some other strong anti-psychotic pills that those psychiatrists dole out to control traumas in case she ever happens to read my mind!!! I said that my dear aunt gives me a lot to hope for. Hope that how easy it is to iron out the creases on your life and at the same time making the life of people around you messy and miserable. Oops!!! What was that? Why did I say that? I stammered and stuttered and tried correcting myself. I said that what I meant was that aunt is a female version of Ranjikant!!! She has the art of making the most fictitious things look and sound real!!! Nopes!!! Sorry again!!! I requested my aunt not to misread my unwarranted utterances. I again tried correcting myself, trying to sound as apologetic as I can. I said that what I meant that it’s an art to walk like a jumping pony, dress up in Page 3 fashion, and carry a Baba Ramdev look on your face and at the same time take credit for the success of your husband’s business and your cooks cookery skills, your designers wardrobe choices; when even the new born in your family knows that you are as smart as him or as good a cook as him or as refined as him and that you are so lazy that you possibly need help to change diapers like him!!! It is really an art! Oh Gosh! Why? I mean why on earth I am saying what I am saying??? I saw a glint of tears in my aunt’s eye. For a fraction of second I was dumb enough to assume that she was over whelmed by my testimonial. :-) :-) But my mother was quick enough to make me realize the otherwise.  She asked me to leave the room immediately. I shrugged my shoulders and was about to open my mouth in my defense that I realize that it would be in the interest of all that I leave them alone.

Okay folks! I know I am not Mr. Know It All to philosophies on the pros and cons of testimonials! All that I can say is that a person who really deserves a testimonial would never crave for one. The true testimonials are often left unsaid, for they often get reflected in your actions for the person who deserves your testimonial and not in some fancy sounding words.  If you really love and appreciate someone, show it in your action. Let it not be a one off event!!!

My poor aunt has stopped attending testimonial dinners. :-) Nevertheless, I plan to attend or rather gate crash, (please know that I am not invited for such dinners any more. :P) another one soon. :-)  Will let you folks know!   Till then, let me know such weird incidents or rather eye openers of your life!!!

Aren't we all lawyers in our own right? ;-)

I vividly recall the contempt and disgust on the face of a well-meaning friend when I informed her that I would be studying law as I couldn't make the head and tail out of Science in my junior college years! No sooner did I tell her about my plans to pursue law, I got deluged with her never ending questions and reprimands! This is how she went, “Why law? What is wrong with you? Are you going to stand on the street and yell ‘affidavit’ ‘affidavit’?  Don’t you have any self-respect? You know how these lawyers are! All that they do is coin big fat lies and charge hefty fees! She went on and on and on! Guess the little demonic lawyer within me was waiting for a chance to rebut her arguments! It was the first litmus test I went through! Remaining unfazed even in the midst of severest criticism and simultaneously thinking through your rebuttals in an objective and detached manner is the most important trait a lawyer has to exhibit! In retrospect, I fail to understand the reason for the disgust and contempt!  This is for the simple reason that I see almost everyone around me exhibiting lawyering skills in various degrees and form.  They don’t need a degree! They do not need to stand in front of the judge! The do not need to understand complex case-laws. The basic traits of a lawyer are just inbuilt in their genetic code! Why demonize the poor lawyers who are already burdened with the task of reading voluminous case laws to no end!  ;-) The most surprising part is that these tendencies are displayed by people at every level! You don’t agree? Okay, allow me to explain!  I will set out 5 typical lawyer’s tendencies and the group of people in whom I witness these traits.

Drink and Binge!: Let me admit the fact! Lawyers love drinking! They have very valid reason to forget most part of their conscious life! Take it from me! Complex document isn’t worth remembering! The community is highly stressed! Stressed because of the clients! Stressed because of fellow lawyers! Stressed because of difficult judges! Stressed because of voluminous reading! What is the solution to this? Vodka, Old Monk and Rum! Is this not a common solution for a lay man as well? Let us face it! I see a lot of my friends in the non-legal field resorting to the same stress bursting mechanism! They are equally stressed! Stressed because of the bosses! Stressed because of the colleagues! Stressed because of the targets! Stressed because of wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend! And this is where the path of a lawyer and a layman crosses. It crosses at the bar! It is the place where they attempt to forget whatever inflicts them! Corporate life is indeed blurring the distinction between a lawyer and a layman!

Pessimism:  We lawyers are alleged to be a bunch of pessimistic morons! We always think about what can go wrong. Our starting point in any relationship is the precautions to be taken in the worst case scenario perspective! Before marriage, we will think through the pre-nuptial agreement! Before signing on any dotted line in a commercial contract, we read the finer print million times to ensure that we are not being taken for a ride! Hang on! Is the bug of pessimism only biting lawyers? Certainly not! Look at insurance agents! The premises of selling insurance policy are “fear of death”.  Whenever I talk to my insurance agent, the ominous feeling that death is around the corner grips me and I think of increasing my premium amount in order to further secure my family L Is the corporate world not making us pessimistic? Appraisal will happen in the next two months and I see the wave of pessimism surging! I often hear super pessimistic dialogues from my friends about how they will be left out in the corporate rat race and how the boss is partial towards colleague X or colleague Y and how they have always been treated unfairly! They go on and on and on and there is just no end to it! Students pursuing academics are no strangers to pessimism! I often see students cribbing about the college, the professors, the entrance exams, and the rat race to get a well-paying job and about what not? The examples can be endless! The point is, the sense of pessimism is shared by lawyers and layman alike!

Eye for detail: Lawyers are known to have an eye for detail! Give them a voluminous document of 100 page and they will tell you by the end of the day how you are being fooled on the 75^th page in clause (56) sub-clause (b) on account of the twisted and ambiguous language! They will hear the whole facts out, ask you a million questions until and unless they are not completely satisfied that they have all the details required to make their case out! In the usual course of life, I find this trait being exhibited by a lot of people around me, especially women! When we gossip, we need to know the whole story. J We want complete detail! Nothing should be left out! How dare you not tell me about her 5^th breakup and 3^rd wedding! It was necessary for me to understand her true character! How can you leave out such important fact that was necessary for me to appreciate the truth in its entirety? ;-) How meticulous women are with their house chores! If we have a maid, we are so easily able to spot dirt in the most remote and the obscure corner of our house! How dare we then say that only lawyers have an eye for detail? In the corporate world, we would like to have complete details of our colleague’s personal and professional lives! We would always want to know everything about our bosses! We would always want to have the inside scoop! Let us not therefore not attribute this quality only to the poor lawyers!

 Acrimonious attitude: Lawyers are often alleged to instigate fights! There is an assumption that they are always ready to plunge into verbal duel! They are disputed oriented and just love the words of war! While I might not entirely disagree, I would nevertheless assert that this trait is again not restricted to lawyers! Travel in ladies compartment in any train in Mumbai and you will know what I am talking about!  Participate in any society meetings and you will realize that there is an in-built lawyer in every society member! In the local trains, you will be amused when you see women yelling and fighting with the choicest of the abuses over flimsiest of the reasons! Trust me the reason are more often than not, unreasonable! But they just love arguing and fighting! In the society meetings, people behave as if the spot light is on them! Their inner lawyer suddenly wakes up! They remove their imaginary sword and start slaying the chairman or the secretaries! It is fun to attend society meetings for this very reason! You will see lawyers without degrees arguing the fiercest of the battles afflicting societies.

Alpha A type personality: Lawyers are known to be highly competitive.  They are always out there to beat the opponent! They have to be the best! They have to have the last word! Pardon me but I see these personalities everywhere these days! People who are not A type are taking up self-help courses to become an A type personalities! There is indeed a very high level of competitiveness everywhere at all levels, whether it be at school, office, family, friend circle and what not! So let us not accuse lawyers of possessing this personality trait! We all are equally guilty at some level!

This list can go on and on! There is no end to it! Every individual is a lawyer in his or her own right presenting his or her case at various lawyers and exhibiting those very traits that they otherwise dislike in a lawyer! Are we therefore being fair to the legal community by looking down upon them? J J J

Human Life over God!

Off lately, the still photograph of ISIS militants clad in black, wielding either a Kalashnikov or knife standing behind their victims clad in orange jumpsuit keeling on the barren ground, has become all too frequent. The victims belong to various nationalities, ranging from US to UK to Japan being the latest. The mark of similarity is not only restricted to the same barren background or the carefully coordinated costume colour of the victim and the militant. What is strikingly similar is the expression on the face of all the victims. What really leaves a lasting and painfully disturbing impression is the image of the naked fear in the eye of the victims who are painfully made aware of the fact that death is awaiting just around the corner and that they are hanging on to the few precious living moments at the mercy of the Kalashnikov wielding militants. This powerfully moving imagery relayed all across the globe on account of ISIS’s access to the internet has impact at multiple levels. It once again reiterates the impact of a picture on human psychology. When you read statistics in the newspaper about the loss of human lives caught in cross fire, you are more often than not, not affected by it and often tend to ignore it terming it as “collateral damage” necessary for greater good. However, when you see these gory videos, it pulls the carpet off your feet. Numerically speaking, the number of victims may be few or far off between. But you take the loss at a personal level. You feel the pain of the victim and the family. It unnerves and disturbs you at a level you may have not imagined.


Presuming if there are no third-party string pullers who are using this militant organization for ulterior motives and presuming if there are individuals of twisted mentality who are day dreaming about establishing a medieval era’s power structures consisting of Caliphate based rule; some relevant questions are worth analysing organization. Is the ISIS smart or plainly stupid? While it certainly succeeds in drawing attention to itself by means of circulating these disturbing videos, what does it stand to achieve at any level in the long run? I hope the stalwarts behind the organization are aware of the fact that they are looked down upon as a bunch of blood sucking barbarians who operate on the basis of the most twisted ideology that has no place in the rational world. I hope that they are also aware of the fact that all that they succeed in is bringing bad name to Islam! I hope they have the common sense to understand that a Caliphate style power structure does not fit in the 21st century global geo-political world. 

However, if the above presumptions are incorrect, and there are indeed string pullers behind the scene, it is worth evaluating who is sponsoring ISIS? Who funds them to buy weapons, missiles and warfare machinery that is lethal enough to uproot the incumbent government in Iraq and Syria? Are there bigger players here? What are their ulterior motives? Is it again about controlling the oil economy in the Middle East? What are the string pullers intending to achieve by keeping the Middle-East in the state of constant war? What is the human price of the war? For how long will it continue? Have they evaluated the global consequences of creating one more Frankenstein monster? Have they not learnt anything from the past? These questions merit urgent attention.

Whether it is the power struggle to establish Caliphate or market struggle to control oil economy, the common denominator of sacrifice is human life in either case. This speaks volumes about the value of human race as a whole. I believe the beginning of the end of this senseless violence would commence when we start valuing human life over and above anything else! Human life over money! Human life over power! Human life over superior notions of individual faith! Human life over God! I don’t see any other way!